When it comes to public humiliation, Idahoans have a unique gift.
We are special. We populate a spectacular state. According to countless places-to-live lists, Boise is the super-bestest city in the universe.
But whenever a report comes out comparing Idaho tendencies to the rest of America’s, I find it best to steel yourself. You never know what freak-show secrets we might discover about ourselves. We always seem to find new, face-melting ways to arse out in front of the rest of the nation.
So be warned, bro. Better take a deep breath and chug a beer. Or a wussified, flavored malt beverage.
Because every Man Card in Idaho just got torched with a flamethrower.
AskMen.com, “the No. 1 site to help men improve their lives,” recently surveyed 1,000 dudes nationwide. Why? “To find out which beer brand they’re most likely to pick up for their next BBQ, tailgate or summer bash,” according to an email from PR associate Barbara Pavone.
And guess what? “Idaho has unique taste!” Barbara says.
Of course we do.
“While the country’s top three beers were Budweiser (18.5 percent), Coors Light (14 percent) and Corona (12 percent), gents in Idaho prefer to reach for —”
Wait for it ...
“— a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”
No. Freaking. Way.
Specifically, “23 percent of Idahoans picked it as their No. 1 choice, even though it didn’t make it into the nation’s Top 5.”
Top 5? You mean Top 5 billion? Uh, Mike’s Hard Lemonade ain’t beer! It’s fruity pansy juice. How could Idaho males not grasp this? (Even the few actually surveyed, who instead dumped shame-infused alcopop on the heads of their Gem State brothers.)
All 49 other states chose actual beer. Refreshing, masculine liquid made with hops. Thirst-quenching man fuel that can be poured directly into your lawn mower’s gas tank.
You cannot do this with Mike’s Hard Pink Lemonade, which makes your testosterone level plummet just from looking at a bottle.
Wipe that sour look off your face, Idaho. Even Utah figured out the difference between malternative lemonade and beer. The Beehive State chose Coors Light. That stings.
Give AskMen credit. The article could have trashed us. Instead, it simply acknowledges our pathetic position in the pecking order, observing that Mike’s Hard Lemonade is “a surprising pick for a beer survey, but it is a malt beverage nonetheless.”
Surprising pick? Ya think? Nah. Not in Idaho, where we love to separate ourselves from the pack.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over this. Looking at AskMen’s “Favorite Beer By State” map and seeing that yellow, Mike’s-emblazoned Idaho makes me want to claw my eyes out.
Actually, a White Claw sounds pretty good right now. Summer is almost here, boys. Gotta watch your figure, right?