My son died by suicide. I know what Boise is going through. Here’s what I learned. | Opinion

Suicide is an epidemic among our youth. Research tells us that in recent years, more than 20% of teens have seriously considered suicide and 10% have tried to end their lives. And it’s happening right here in Idaho.

Let that sink in. And then, consider that a teen connected to your life may be in crisis. And it may not be who you think.

On the evening of Jan. 17, 2018, our son Jace spent some time at his best friend’s house. During dinner with his family, the two friends spoke of changes they wanted to make to their academic schedules. After dinner, they were heard laughing and joking while playing video games and spent some time practicing on their guitars.

By the next morning, Jace was gone. He had taken his life. We were shell-shocked. How could this have happened? What did we miss? Jace was a wonderful and kind kid. He was a bright and motivated student.

He was a beloved son and grandson, a protective brother, and a loyal friend. He was an outdoor enthusiast, an avid hunter, hiker, and fisherman. He loved band, both concert and jazz, and had great taste in music.

He was only 14, a freshman in high school.

We were overcome with pain and confusion. How could this happen to us? Surely two loving parents, one a teacher and one an SRO in our community schools, would have seen this coming. After all, we had a lot of experience working with hurting kids.

This happens to other people. People who aren’t conscientious. People that aren’t paying attention. People who aren’t invested in their kids.

We must reject this false narrative. We must do better when we know better.

Suicide doesn’t discriminate. It knows every race, every religion, every social and economic class. It doesn’t care whether one laughs or cries, whether one struggles or succeeds. It makes no distinction between the gifted athlete and the kid in the chess club, those who are college-bound and those who aren’t.

I don’t believe that suicide will ever be completely eradicated. I don’t believe that it’s 100% preventable. After all, it’s hard to prevent what we don’t see coming, and often there are no clear signs.

Nonetheless, it’s important to be solution-oriented, to work together to understand more clearly how we can help each other, and especially our youth. This can and will save lives.

First, we must understand that we don’t understand. Kids today are facing challenges previous generations never faced. They are navigating a rapidly changing world that requires them to adapt with a unique skill set that isn’t well-defined. What’s important and relevant in their lives today may be obsolete tomorrow. Their lives, willingly or not, are captured in real time. When they are excluded, they know it. When they suffer a heartbreak, get cut from a team or club, or make a mistake, they can quickly become targets on social media.

As parents, what can we do?

We can start by asking honest and important questions. When they come to us with a problem, we can ask: “Do you want me to just listen or are you wanting to brainstorm solutions? Do you feel safe? Do you feel hopeful about your future? When you struggle with _____, how do you navigate that? How can I help support you? What would it look like if you were hurting? What fears do you have about what’s coming next in your journey?”

One of my favorite activities at dinner involves sharing “a happy and a crappy.” Each person shares a high and a low of their day. It turns out that it reveals a lot more information than the classic, “How was your day?” and leads to some insightful conversations.

Second, we need to let them know that we aren’t perfect, and we don’t expect perfection from them. We’ve failed at times and so will they. We can remind them that mistakes are often great teachers. We can be open and honest about our own struggles. Seeing that we have overcome some hard things may give them hope and perspective. Because their frontal cortex isn’t completely developed yet, they have a hard time understanding the notion that “things will get better.” Concrete examples may help.

Finally, we can accept that we will not see the world the same way. Agreeing with one another isn’t a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. We can remind them that we love them unconditionally. And regardless of what they come to us with, we can thank them for coming. We are a safety net.

I wish I could tell you I had more insight, more answers. But the truth is, grief is a journey. It’s two steps forward and three steps back. It’s learning to find beauty amid great pain. It’s learning to accept that I will never stop loving Jace and missing him, because that kind of love never ends.

Advice to survivors:

• Most people care and want to help. They often don’t know how or what to say.
• Try to communicate what you need or don’t need.
• Understand that you will never be the same person you were. But you can and will begin to live again.
• Explain to others that you still want to hear your child’s name, and stories are treasures, even if you’ve heard them a million times.
• Give yourself permission to take breaks or sit things out. Holidays are especially hard. Understand that what’s hard for one person may not be as hard for another. Grief is unique.
• Talk to others who have suffered a similar loss. It’s not the club we would ever choose to be in, but there is strength in connection.
• Have a midnight friend if you’re a night owl. Find out which friends will be awake.
• Be gentle with yourself. Try to avoid the what ifs/could-haves/should-haves. You would have done anything and everything to save your child.