Idaho faith: Tips to eliminate contention, which can help us do unto others

In my June column I referenced a speech given by Wendy Nelson, a psychologist with over 25 years as a professor of marriage and family therapy. In her address to the graduates of Utah Valley University, Sister Nelson spoke about the harmful effects of contention in our lives.

Citing her teaching, clinical practice and research, she warned: “Contention is lethal. It can ruin your physical health, ravage your relationships and play havoc with your productivity, creativity and stamina.”

The wife of Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, advised the graduates that if they want to have a wonderful life, they must “remove contention from ... your conversations and relationships, from your home and from your workplaces.”

Removing contention doesn’t mean eliminating different opinions or ideas. It does mean finding ways to discuss and share ideas respectfully. But how do we do that?

In an article addressing ways of discussing politics within the family, Shelly Johnson-Choong, who has a master’s in social work, offers tips for discussions without contention. Although her article deals with politics, the tips are applicable to conversations on other sensitive subjects.

Her first two tips are especially important. First, “check your agenda at the door.” In other words, don’t go into a discussion with the intent of changing the person’s position. Instead, go in with the intent of hearing and understanding the other’s point of view. What do they believe? What is important to them? And when it’s your turn to express your view, do so respectfully.

Second, “if there is even one member of your family who struggles with hurt feeling or is sensitive to political discussions, take this into consideration.” Do not force a discussion or raise a topic that another person does not want to discuss. Your family should decide whether potentially contentious topics of conversation are appropriate or if they are off limits in family settings.

Next up is this: “Don’t belittle, disregard, dismiss, or otherwise minimize the political (or other) beliefs, experiences, or opinions of the other.” That is a sure recipe for harming family relationships as well as damaging friendships. And it isn’t limited to words. Rolling our eyes or laughing can be just as dismissive as asking, “How can you think that way?” Or something equally demeaning.

“Before you say something, consider your tone and whether what you want to say is helpful.”

If you do offend someone by a lack of respect or an inappropriate comment, step back, take a deep breath and apologize.

Remember that friends and families are important. With all the things there are to disagree about, all the stress and contention in the current political arena, there are lots of other things to talk about.

Johnson-Choong suggests looking for those things that bind us together. “Shared memories and common beliefs, the joy of each other’s company, and a deeper emotional connection can foster great conversations,” she said.

She also points out that “harmony and unity in families have little to do with agreement and everything to do with toleration, love, respect and acceptance. When we practice those traits, we grow closer as families regardless of whether we agree.”

Reviewing the tips above, it is apparent that they are based on the principle of treating others kindly and as we would like to be treated. Loving our neighbors seems like such a simple thing, but it has the power to ease contention while strengthening families and communities.

This story was originally published September 11, 2021 at 6:00 AM.