Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Utah. Idaho is one of least sinful U.S. states

Does that headline feel familiar, Utah?

That’s because I’m recycling it from a year ago. When you’re as morally superior as we Idahoans are, it’s OK to plagiarize from yourself.

Bad news, my pious neighbors: In a new ranking of “2020’s Most Sinful States in America,” Idaho is not just less sinful than Utah (which we already knew) — we’re becoming even more less sinful than you.

Idaho is the third least sinful state in the U.S., according to personal-finance website WalletHub. That’s up from No. 5 in 2019, the last time we had this little heart-to-heart.

Of the nation’s least sinful states, only Wyoming and Vermont have bigger halos than Idaho.

Morally bankrupt Nevada is the United States’ biggest sinner. Rounding out the top five? Texas, Florida, California and Georgia.

Holier-than-thou Utah? You stayed right where you were: The nation’s 43rd most sinful — or, conversely, 8th least sinful.

That’s a whopping five spots more depraved than Idaho. Shame, shame.

We don’t mean to be sanctimonious. But come on, Utah: You folks revel in your goody-two-shoes reputation. Apparently, just because you do stuff like lower your blood alcohol content limit from .08 percent to .05 percent for drunken driving doesn’t mean you’re less sinful than we are.

WalletHub’s sin index is ambitious. There are seven categories: “Anger & Hatred,” “Jealousy,” “Excesses & Vices,” “Greed,” “Lust,” “Vanity” and “Laziness.” But those divisions are ranked using 47 diverse metrics ranging from “Excessive Drinking” to “Average Daily Time Spent Watching TV.”

So, what was Idaho’s worst sin among the big seven rankings? “Anger & Hatred,” where we finished No. 26. How odd.

OR MAYBE IF ALL THE @#$*ing CALIFORNIANS WOULD STOP MOVING HERE, WE COULD STOP RAGING, RIGHT!?

(Sorry ’bout that outburst. I visited Bogus Basin yesterday — on a holiday.)

Utah’s most objectionable behavior is — wait for it — “Vanity.” The Beehive State was the No. 21 most sinful state in that category, which included metrics such as “Google Search Interest Index for ‘Top 5 Plastic Surgeries’.”

That’s funny. But before we laugh too loudly, let’s consider an important point. Utah actually ranks better than Idaho in four of the seven sin categories. Idaho just has a less sinful overall average. (Unsurprisingly, Utah rates No. 50 for “Excesses & Vices.”)

So why exactly does Idaho kick so much self-righteous butt?

Let’s mix a virgin cocktail — you can buy one at Boise’s new alcohol-free bar, Free Spirits Lounge — and kick around a few well-worn ideas.

Is it because of Boise’s nudity ordinance, which keeps our struggling strippers from stripping too much?

Is it because our infamous adult store in Garden City is named Over 19 Adult Shop — not Over 18, the legal age?

Is it because we can’t legally drink beer while rafting on the Boise River?

Is it because of the city’s smoking ban?

No clue. Seriously, I have no idea. And all the newly opened pot shops in nearby Ontario, Oregon, are not a good sign for Idaho’s future ranking.

All I know is that I’ve reached the end of my Classic Shirley Temple.

Can I make you a booze-less drink, Utah? Trust me, nothing tastes quite as good as a delicious Idaho mocktail.

This story was originally published February 18, 2020 at 12:46 PM.