Why do we stay with a relationship or job that offers no joy? One man’s frustration

I was lucky to drive to McCall this past week, three times. I came up to our cabin, discovered no heat, and so returned to Boise. A few days later, after the heat returned, I went back up the hill.

And I loved those six hours.

When I drive the two hours north, I often listen to Tim Ferris podcasts. Ferris is a master interviewer and takes at least two hours, which is perfect for my drive to McCall, since I don’t need to fiddle with the radio or other podcasts. I listened to three interviews, all fascinating and each with key points.

One was about strategic quitting. The gist of the idea is not profound — it’s really about cutting your losses — but what hit me is that doing so is harder than many of us realize.

Why do people stay with a relationship – friendship, marriage, job – that doesn’t give them any joy or satisfaction? Is it that we feel we’ve already put so much into it that it would be harder to leave than to stay? Or that we’re just optimists?

One person I know works in a behemoth organization, trying to make changes that he thinks are important and will move the place into the next phase of the tech century. When we speak, sometimes it feels like a repeat of the last time: “I see incredible opportunities. Why don’t the others? How can I convince them? What will it take for them to make this happen?”

Two things strike me here.

First, seeing an opportunity is a gift, one that others often cannot see. To be surprised that others don’t think like I do, see what I do, understand as I do, should tell me that I’m being naïve or unaware.

Second, why expect others to carry out your idea? Usually, it’s because we are not at a level or don’t have the resources to do it. But maybe that’s part of the naïve sense – I’ll come up with ideas and let others (who are not so committed) carry them out. How often does that happen?

The older I get, the more that adage about picking battles makes sense. I don’t have the energy to fight battles and have arguments that don’t move the mountain or even needles. So, the idea of strategic quitting, of moving away from a place that doesn’t seem to change, and instead to a place where we can make a difference, sounds completely reasonable to me.

Especially in the last couple of years, where energy has been drained in so many ways, finding those spots where we can help, where we can introduce and execute a good idea, seems like an energy boost.

Nancy Napier is a distinguished professor at Boise State University in Idaho. nnapier@boisestate.edu. She is co-author of “The Bridge Generation of Vietnam: Spanning Wartime to Boomtime.”

This story was originally published March 3, 2022 at 4:00 AM.