Faith column: To deal with grief in a pandemic age, find support while mourning

“Jesus began to weep.” This poignant moment from the 11th chapter of the Gospel of John has rarely been painted or illustrated. Jesus is weeping over the death of Lazarus and is overcome as he watches Lazarus’s sisters and friends mourn. His heart breaks open in grief and compassion.

I take great comfort in this image of Jesus; he willingly opens his heart to all of creation to love it, even though it means heartbreak and ultimately his own death.

If we love, then our hearts are vulnerable to breaking open when someone we love suffers or dies. Our human capacity to love is a blessing, but it is a blessing that entails great vulnerability. We love, and grief remains a possibility. Even though we may be brokenhearted in grief, we find ourselves sustained and blessed by the love of others.

The love of family and friends can get us through the darkest times of mourning, yet the tumultuous times of the coronavirus pandemic have made this incredibly difficult. Gathering is problematic. How do we handle our own grief, or help someone else, when anxiety and uncertainty fill the air around us? And how do we handle grieving when these tumultuous times stretch on and on?

The truth is, there is never a “good” time for grief. Losing someone we love will always break our hearts, whether we’re in a troubled time or a time otherwise characterized by joy. Our grief will take center stage. We can give our broken heart our full attention. We can feel sad, angry, guilty or even relieved … or even all of those emotions at once. We should, in fact, let ourselves feel our emotions. We don’t need to be strong or hold it together.

I like to use the language of being “carried along” in our grief. As a Christian, there are prayers and rituals that help me in my grief. These keep me moving forward when my grief is acute and strong. They let my broken heart be at the center, along with the love I have for the person. They let me get through the days ahead.

My grief is not a problem to fix, because grief is a lifelong reality. We will always have a piece of our hearts that will deeply miss this person because we loved them, but one day we will be able to remember them without feeling overwhelmed with tears.

The little tasks of the day, too, help us move forward even as our hearts are broken. The little chores of life can be a life raft that carry us along, giving us something to do for ourselves and for others. We remember that those who have died also loved us deeply, and they would want us to have breakfast, tidy the house, care for ourselves and smile at the beauty of the world. We should accept their love and do these things; we are not betraying their memory if we find moments of peace or even joy amid the grief.

Even if we cannot join together in big groups to mourn, we can still find ways to share stories and to remember the person. We do not have to have a big funeral or a perfect eulogy to show that we deeply loved the person. We show our love in remembering them in our hearts.

These difficult times make grief more complicated. Some of the best tools we have — burials and funerals, home visitations, visiting the dying and the bereaved — have been affected significantly. However, we can still mourn, find peace and remember the love that was shared.

As a final word of spiritual advice, always know that you can seek out support and guidance from someone in your grief. A friend, a therapist, a clergyperson, a support group — all are good options, depending on your need and background. You are never alone in grief, for we all have lost someone we loved.