She planned to drown herself. Instead, seized life with a dive into icy Idaho waters
Jane Miceli is a software engineer in Boise’s technology sector. She’s a longtime Treasure Valley resident. She’s a mother and a wife. She also became a certified scuba diver in 2018 — with the goal of diving in freezing water during an Idaho winter.
And last winter, she did it.
It wasn’t a dare, or a stunt, or a fundraising event. It was Miceli’s way of celebrating a new title she earned: suicide survivor.
Idaho has one of the highest suicide rates in the nation. As the state works to address that public health crisis, experts say one of the most important things for people contemplating suicide to know is that there is hope.
Miceli, who struggled with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, found that hope. It took years to get there, but she emerged with a story to tell.
“I’ve probably suffered from depression and had symptoms of it as early as middle school or high school,” said Miceli, 38.
Do you or someone you know feel suicidal? Just need to talk? Text or call the Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline at (208) 398-4357, or simply call 2-1-1.
PTSD, depression and working for recovery
Miceli’s mental health disorder was “certainly exacerbated” by some traumatic events in her life. It didn’t occur to her that she may have post-traumatic stress disorder until she met a diving group that helped give her hope.
Early in her career, Miceli lost a beloved mentor to suicide. She suffered a “really bad” concussion from a scuba diving accident in Mexico several years ago. And she lived through trauma when she needed a cesarean section for her first child, but the epidural failed to numb one side of her body.
That birth, in 2009, and the postpartum depression that followed marked the beginning of her fight.
She decided that year to drown herself. She had a plan that included a time, date and place. Her mother flew out to visit after the baby was born, though, and stayed with the young family for six weeks. The date Miceli had chosen came and went.
“Every day, (she would say) Jane, if you need to talk, I’m here for you,” she said.
Miceli wasn’t ready to talk at that point. But later, she told her husband what she had been contemplating. She began treatment, including antidepressant medication.
“What I didn’t tell people was that plan was sort of always the option every year since then,” she said.
She feared that if she talked about wanting to die, people would think she was trying to get attention. And she was torn: even while she had a plan, she was afraid she would go through with it.
“It wasn’t until I ran into somebody at Micron who is on the board for Neptune Warrior,” she said. “We talked about scuba diving, and that they know how to take care of people who have some trauma in their past.”
Neptune Warrior is an Idaho nonprofit that began in November 2016. Its mission is to help veterans and first responders recover from trauma through scuba diving. It has served more than 200 people, mostly from the Treasure Valley but occasionally from as far away as Utah, Washington and eastern Idaho, according to Rob Anderson, founder and director of Neptune Warrior.
“Not every one of my divers struggles with suicide, but most of them struggle with anxiety or depression, (or) what we call loss of tribe,” Anderson said. “Our divers have contact with each other on a daily basis. ... There is this community that you can fall back on.”
Anderson said the group has done five suicide interventions since its inception, and all five of the people are still diving with the group today.
Scientists have found a link between diving and recovery from trauma. Other organizations that use diving to help veterans and first responders have popped up around the country.
Help and a safe space
The early connection Miceli found with the group came from their shared love of the water and scuba diving. As she spent more time talking with the members of the group, she realized they had more in common than a hobby.
“Once I started understanding what depression, PTSD, suicide looks like, and some of the thoughts that circle around it, then I started talking about it, because it felt like a safe space,” she said. “People who are all suffering from something, and there wasn’t any judgment whatsoever.”
They started talking about a plan to turn one of her triggers into something hopeful. They gave it a name: “Alive Dive.”
She would go out in the water on the winter day she’d always chosen to take her life, and she would come out of the water alive and triumphant.
For a couple of years, Miceli worked with the group and her husband to get extra certification to scuba dive in freezing temperatures. Then, last winter, it was time. Miceli could hardly sleep the night before the scheduled dive, she was so nervous. The morning of the dive, though, she was ready. And her husband was ready to dive by her side.
The dive lasted about 10 minute, she said. One of the divers in the group had to resurface after just a few minutes because a piece of breathing equipment iced up and froze.
When she went under the water, Miceli says, she dove straight to the bottom, about 30 feet. She looked around for a while, inspecting rocks and “other random things,” then rose back to the surface.
The group dried off, met up for coffee at Push and Pour in Garden City, then went home.
“It felt like a huge weight that had been on me for like a decade had been lifted,” she said. “It was awesome.”
What helped her: questions and conversations
There is no perfect treatment or suicide prevention technique that works for everyone who is having thoughts of suicide. But experts have found some things can help many people. They helped Miceli.
When someone is experiencing recurring thoughts of suicide, it can help to identify one or two people who will be there for you when you’re in a crisis or just need to talk. Finding any kind of community — big or small — can be a lifesaver, said Denise Jensen, manager of the state’s Center for Drug Overdose and Suicide Prevention.
“Making sure that you talk to people, that you’re open about how you’re feeling, that you have people that reach out to you on a regular basis and that you identify those places that feel safe to you” are important, Jensen said.
One health care provider not only asked Miceli about her mental health, he asked a pointed question: “Do you have a plan to harm yourself?” It was a yes-or-no question that Miceli says she couldn’t talk her way out of. She had to be honest.
That question opened a door to getting treatment, she said.
“If somebody says they’re depressed, you might want to dig a little bit more into it,” she said.
Miceli says it helped her recovery to reduce the stress in her life. So did getting mental health care. That, along with her conversations with Neptune Warrior members, helped her realize she had PTSD — something she hadn’t previously considered, but which had been affecting her life.
This coming winter, she wants to go diving again on the day she used to dread. Her goal: to make it longer than 10 minutes.
“Life would’ve been easier if I’d dealt with it earlier, but I didn’t know how, or that I could,” she said. “I figured it was just something I was going to have to live with.”
The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that in 2017, 10.6 million American adults seriously contemplated suicide, 3.2 million made a plan, and 1.4 million attempted suicide. While the U.S. had more than 47,000 deaths by suicide that year, the numbers show that it is far more common to survive.
“There’s hope,” Miceli said.
If someone you know is in emotional crisis
Call the Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or 2-1-1.
WARNING SIGNS TO WATCH OUT FOR:
- Talking about wanting to die.
- Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
- Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
- Talking about being a burden to others.
- Increasing use of alcohol or drugs.
- Acting anxious, agitated or recklessly.
- Sleeping too little or too much.
- Withdrawing or isolating themselves.
- Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
- Extreme mood swings.
OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP:
- Do not leave the person alone.
- Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.
- Listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.
- Be nonjudgmental. Don’t debate. Don’t lecture on the value of life.
- Don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you.
- Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.
- Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.
- Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.
- Get help by calling the hotline or visiting idahosuicideprevention.org.
Source: Suicide Prevention Lifeline
This story was originally published March 10, 2020 at 5:00 AM.
