Stop spewing ignorance droplets at me, Boise. I’m obeying the mask order. Even on your hike.

Until last week, I had never worn a mask on a bicycle. It seemed lame.

But I try to be a good citizen. So after Boise Mayor Lauren McLean issued a citywide mandate to wear masks, I did it. I dangled a stupid mask around my neck. Fiddling with the thing to see how it could be the least irritating, I embarked upon one of my usual Foothills trail rides.

Out of 29 other hikers and mountain bikers, I counted one person — one — who wore a facial covering besides me. On a 45-minute loop.

Sorry, mayor. Just reporting.

Is passing someone quickly outdoors a low-risk situation? Probably. I hope. I’m not a scientist. I just know that a mayor’s order is a mayor’s order.

The first two folks I encountered were women hiking up a narrow single-track trail cut into the hillside. As I approached from behind, they politely pressed up against the vertical terrain, allowing me just enough room to pedal past without slipping off the side.

I found another hiker around the bend, also heading the same direction. He, too, kindly leaned against the hill as I squeezed past quickly. That’s how segments of these local trails work. Unless someone wants to risk falling to their death, social distancing isn’t possible.

“You don’t have to wear a mask out here,” he volunteered, spewing ignorance droplets from what felt like inches away from my face.

(Dude. Why speak at that moment?)

I didn’t stop to argue. It’s tough to get your bike started on a steep uphill trail. But I did briefly reply — between gasps as I left him in the dust — that wearing a mask outdoors is, indeed, required in this type of situation. It was just published in the Statesman.

“They’re wrong!” he said.

Of course. The media. We thrive on being wrong.

Boise provides guidance for masks on trails

Look, I get it. Boise’s mask rules are not spelled out well. But as the mayor’s office explained in the Statesman follow-up: “If you’re going to be in a place where you are going to be within 6 feet of other people, you need to have a face covering. That includes spaces like the Greenbelt, city sidewalks, parks and Foothills trails whenever you’ll be passing or interacting with other people.”

The Greenbelt and Boise trails? COVID-19 has made them “interactive.” I had started the trail around 5:30 p.m., hoping the heat might deter crowds. Nope. It was the busiest I’d ever seen it. Thanks, California!

(OK, maybe I’m not always a good citizen.)

As a parent, my trail comfort level already has been tested this spring. “Disgusting!” my 10-year-old son exclaimed recently after a shirtless runner brushed sweat on him while passing us. None of us wore masks.

The citywide order pushed me to take it to the next level. Masking up while mountain biking? Yeah, it’s goofy. At first. But mostly, I did not wear it. I simply tugged it up whenever I approached someone in close quarters. No biggie.

Putting away my riding gear afterward in the garage, I sat down and posted the 1-for-29 tally on social media. (I didn’t set out to count masks. It just turned into a game.)

Along with generating thoughtful responses, my observation got me referred to as: 1) Vulgar slang for part of the female anatomy, by a middle-aged man on Facebook; 2) A feminine hygiene product, by a similar male dandy on Twitter.

Go pound sand, my two Idaho pals — Foothills trail sand.

One inconvenience could hold key to fall fun

I’m fed up with being called rude names by fellow Amurcans. I’m tired of immature grown-ups who act like wearing a mask is huge drama.

But mostly? I’m sick of this virus. Don’t you get it? Unless we get it clamped down, it’s going to haunt Idaho for-freaking-EVER.

I want my kids to have a shot to return to school. I need a Boise State football season in the fall. I’d even buy the first round if I got to share beers with my buddies in a bar again.

You don’t want to obey the Boise mask order? You’re holding those dreams back. So don’t be surprised if I avoid you like the plague if you’re less than 6 feet from me — yeah, even outdoors.

If we’re outside Boise city limits on a trail? Live it up. I don’t care. Feed your mask to the nearest bear.

Just know this: The way things are going, our governor might need to order you to wear a mask during hunting season. Those blinds are cramped.

This story was originally published July 8, 2020 at 1:54 PM.