Um, ladies? Check this (and Idaho guys) out: Boise is No. 2 Most Handsome City in America
Take a loving gaze at the mirror, bros.
Give yourself a self-confident Boise male wink. You know, the one that endears you to every stranger you pass on the street.
Finally, you are free. To admire what God gave you. The worst-kept secret in the country officially has been revealed.
Boise was just ranked No. 2 on a list of “America’s Most Handsome Cities.”
After years of unnecessary modesty, we finally have irrefutable evidence to back up what Idaho residents have known forever: That we are lookin’ good, boys.
A press release in my email inbox says so.
Check this out, ladies. Assuming you can stop checking us out.
This scientifically airtight study is conducted biannually by GroomingLounge.com, “the nation’s premier resource for men’s grooming products and advice.”
“While handsomeness may be subjective,” GroomingLounge.com writes, “the criteria relied on in this survey measure the men in each city’s commitment to a great appearance. GroomingLounge.com based the findings on the following criteria: amount spent on personal care services per man, spent on personal care products per man, spent on shaving needs per man, spent on apparel per man and the fittest cities in the nation.”
The most handsome city in the United States is Arlington, Virginia. It must be the orange glow coming from that handsome devil next door in the White House, right? (Also, Arlington is nestled between Grooming Lounge’s two brick-and-mortar barbershop locations. Coincidence?)
After Boise, the rest of the top 10 are Madison, Wisconsin; Seattle; Portland; Lincoln, Nebraska; Denver; Scottsdale, Arizona; St. Petersburg, Florida; and Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Please stop with the skepticism, female friends. Jealousy is not becoming. So what if you’ve never heard of GroomingLounge.com? It’s a dude destination. And before you start quizzing Boise men about why we’ve never heard of it, either, let’s point out the obvious. Idaho males are so naturally good-looking that they don’t need to bother clicking on websites that might tell them how to shave their back hair or wash their trucker caps and stuff.
The data is fascinating. As I explained aloud in the Statesman newsroom, it answers crucial questions. Such as: How much money do Boise men spend on personal grooming products?
“Not enough,” a reporter answered, rolling her eyes. “Anyone who’s been on Tinder here knows that.”
We’ve put up with this abuse long enough, gents. Seriously.
Here’s what Boise men spend annually, according to GroomingLounge.com: $286.98 on personal care services, $76.54 on hair care products, $16.08 on shaving needs and $291.85 on apparel. Boise also finished 13th in the nation in the fitness category. (All that beer drinking at Boise breweries hasn’t fazed your physiques. You’re incredible, dudes.)
Granted, there’s no indication how these numbers were calculated by GroomingLounge.com. And, yes, some of this study is befuddling.
What exactly are “personal care services”? Is that like hiring a Boise cuddlist or something?
Also, 16 bones for “shaving needs” seems high. The Boise Beardsmen club can attest to that.
Sadly, I can’t help wondering whether the influx of hot-looking Idaho transplants affected the ranking. Because, you know, everything involving Boise must be viewed through a prism of California chaos.
Also, do gay Boise guys deserve more credit than straight Boise guys?
In the end, who cares? It’s a group effort, my Idaho brothers. What’s important is that everyone takes the time to share Boise’s second-place national studmuffin ranking with as many other folks as possible.
Savor the moment. Spend an extra 30 seconds flexing at your reflection in front of the frozen-food cooler at Albertsons.
Crank up that Phish song, “You Enjoy Myself,” for your significant other.
Then start gearing up for victory. Because Boise is destined to sneak into the No. 1 ranking. Our city always wins these internet lists. Somebody buy me a razor.
This story was originally published November 12, 2019 at 4:55 PM.