Idaho Statesman Logo

Carolyn Hax: Helping sis stand up for herself | Idaho Statesman

×
  • E-edition
  • Home
    • Customer Service
    • Mobile & Apps
    • Archives
    • Buy Photos and Pages
    • Contact Us
    • Newsletters
    • Newspaper in Education
    • Subscribe
    • Subscriber Services

    • News
    • Boise
    • West Ada
    • Canyon County
    • Crime
    • State News
    • Nation/World News
    • Databases
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Idahoans in the Military
    • Weather
    • Traffic
    • Helping Works
    • In the Classroom
    • Our Community
    • Sports
    • Boise State Football
    • Boise State Basketball
    • Idaho Vandals
    • High Schools
    • Bronco Beat
    • Chadd Cripe
    • Varsity Extra Blog
    • NFL
    • NBA
    • NHL
    • MLB
    • Golf
    • Idaho Politics
    • Elections
    • Government and Business
    • Capitol & State
    • Letters from the West
    • National Politics
    • Business
    • Business Insider
    • Business Columns & Blogs
    • Personal Finance
    • Legal Notices
    • Opinion
    • Editorials
    • Bill Manny
    • Editorial Cartoons
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Guest Opinion
    • Submit a Letter or Opinion
    • Entertainment
    • Events Calendar
    • Restaurant Reviews
    • Arts and Culture
    • Festivals
    • Movie Reviews
    • Movie Showtimes
    • Music
    • Television
    • Books
    • Comics
    • Puzzles & Games
    • Horoscopes
    • Puzzles
    • Words & Deeds
    • ArtsBeat
    • Outdoors
    • Playing Outdoors Blog
    • Biking
    • Camping
    • Fishing
    • Hiking and Trails
    • Hunting
    • Winter Recreation
    • Living
    • Food & Drink
    • Health & Fitness
    • Home & Garden
    • Treasure
    • Pets
    • Religion
    • Travel
    • Best of Treasure Valley
    • Heart of the Treasure Valley
    • Margaret Lauterbach
    • Tim Woodward
    • Carolyn Hax
  • Obituaries

  • Contests
  • Advertise
  • Classifieds
  • Jobs
  • Cars
  • Homes
  • Place An Ad

  • About Us
  • Mobile & Apps

Carolyn Hax: Advice

Carolyn Hax: Helping sis stand up for herself

By Carolyn Hax

The Washington Post

    ORDER REPRINT →

March 02, 2016 06:40 AM

Dear Carolyn: After being a self-described pushover and the person who gets dumped on in her family, my sister has started therapy and is finally making a noticeable effort to stand up for herself when asked to do things that inconvenience her. I’m really proud of her!

However, I notice she often says she “can’t” visit a relative, spend money on our nephew’s fundraiser, etc. rather than “I don’t want to,” or “I’m not interested in doing that.” I have encouraged her to be honest and tell me when she WON'T do something I ask, rather than hiding behind the implication that she wants to but can’t, but I’m not sure that’s working. I find it very passive-aggressive and not a meaningful improvement over what she was doing before.

Should I just butt out, or can I somehow help her become more assertive?

Won’t vs. Can’t

Sign Up and Save

Get six months of free digital access to The Idaho Statesman

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

#ReadLocal

Good for her for working against her old habits to form better ones.

Now you need to do the same.

You’re used to having say in her choices. Especially given her efforts to reclaim that say from everyone else, it’s only sporting to recognize the boundary between your business and hers in all of your dealings with her.

So if she says she can’t do something, then she can’t – even if the longer version of “can’t” is simply, “I can’t say yes to this without risking a return to my old doormatty ways.”

Dear Carolyn: For years my husband has not exercised on a regular basis. He now has high cholesterol and we have no sex life. He’s constantly glued to his cellphone and only works, day and evenings.

He’s a good father to our kids but seems to have no clue when it comes to himself, his health and the importance of exercise.

I’ve given him articles, tried to set an example by walking places, going to the gym three to four times a week, but he never budges. Any advice? Should I contact his doctor?

S.

Prioritizing work and phone over spouse and health is not something a doctor can fix.

While his high cholesterol is unfortunate, that is apparently just one side effect of his choices. (How can he be a good dad, I wonder, with his attention always phoneward?)

Please talk to him — not about fitness, but about his center of gravity, which has moved away from his family and the outdoors and his own body. Note his absence, and ask for his presence again.

Screens have addictive power, obviously, plus the pull of immediate needs has always been fierce. The demands of work can find us everywhere via smartphone, and seem like needs when they’re not.

Add to this the simple human preferences for feeling needed and for finding the easiest path, and a person can get a dose of validation with every quiver of the phone — then segue to mindless scrolling. It’s tough for the living, breathing, complicated human beings in his life to compete with this.

But they must. They — you — must speak up and say, “I’m here, I miss you, I need you to come back to us,” however you can both agree to get it done.

Nightly phones-off periods are a good start. Perfect for a walk, a bike, a joint trip to the gym.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

  Comments  

Videos

Colorado man recounts killing mountain lion with his bare hands

Eagle girls basketball celebrates first title in program history

View More Video

Trending Stories

Vote now for the Treasure Valley athletes of the week (Feb. 11-16)

February 18, 2019 02:31 PM

5A SIC all-conference girls basketball team: Where did your favorite player land?

February 18, 2019 11:55 AM

4A SIC all-conference girls basketball team revealed. See who made the cut.

February 18, 2019 12:15 PM

Police said he was drunk in a crash that injured 17. He wasn’t. 46 years later, he tells his story.

February 18, 2019 03:03 PM

Idaho could pay $110 million more to educate K-12 students next year. Here’s a breakdown

February 18, 2019 12:23 PM

Read Next

A family secret surfaces: She’s not technically an only child

Carolyn Hax: Advice

A family secret surfaces: She’s not technically an only child

By Carolyn Hax Washington Post

    ORDER REPRINT →

April 16, 2018 01:55 PM

Dear Carolyn: I’m an only child in my late 30s, the daughter of doting, super-involved, loving parents, but I recently found out a secret.

KEEP READING

Sign Up and Save

#ReadLocal

Get six months of free digital access to The Idaho Statesman

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

MORE CAROLYN HAX: ADVICE

Tired of pity for leading a solitary life

Carolyn Hax: Advice

Tired of pity for leading a solitary life

April 13, 2018 04:12 PM
Thou shalt not covet brother’s girlfriend’s life

Carolyn Hax: Advice

Thou shalt not covet brother’s girlfriend’s life

April 12, 2018 04:00 PM
Negativity and anger threaten a friendship

Carolyn Hax: Advice

Negativity and anger threaten a friendship

April 10, 2018 03:52 PM
What is self-care?

Carolyn Hax: Advice

What is self-care?

April 10, 2018 03:50 PM
Don’t cower in fear of mass shootings

Carolyn Hax: Advice

Don’t cower in fear of mass shootings

April 10, 2018 03:34 PM
Mother of the groom debates entreating widow bride for more elaborate wedding

Carolyn Hax: Advice

Mother of the groom debates entreating widow bride for more elaborate wedding

April 09, 2018 11:08 AM
Take Us With You

Real-time updates and all local stories you want right in the palm of your hand.

Icon for mobile apps

Idaho Statesman App

View Newsletters

Subscriptions
  • Start a Subscription
  • Customer Service
  • eEdition
  • Vacation Hold
  • Pay Your Bill
  • Rewards
Learn More
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Newsletters
  • News in Education
  • Archives
Advertising
  • Information
  • Place a Classified
  • Local Deals
  • Place an Obituary
  • Today's Circulars
Copyright
Privacy Policy
Terms of Service


Back to Story