Carolyn Hax: Advice

Carolyn Hax: Dealing with holiday-hating HOA president

Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn: I bought a house a few years ago in a development in a non-metropolitan part of Virginia. There was a homeowners association with a president. However, the association was not active until about two years ago when I started a Facebook group for it. Now there are approximately 30 neighbors in the Facebook group. It was a nice way to get to begin to know our neighbors. For the first time in many years, last year there was an association dinner that about 18 people attended. I was not an official in the association but did most of its work.

This November I drafted a warm message for the president to all neighbors, wishing everyone a happy holiday season, and emailed it to her for review. She responded with the following message: “I would, instead, say Merry Christmas. If people are offended, too bad. This is, after all, the Christmas season.”

I wrote back and said our association is comprised of all homeowners, whether they be Christian, Jewish, African-American, etc. It’s important to be welcoming and inclusive.

She responded: “I don’t know of any families that are of alternate religions, and even if they are, Christmas is, whether they like it or not, a Christian holiday. Otherwise, no Christmas.”

I am Christian – my father was a minister – but I was stunned and offended by her emails. After the holidays, I wrote to her and said that I am leaving the HOA (and the Facebook group) because I cannot belong to an association whose president doesn’t care if she offends people whose religious beliefs are different from her own.

She hasn’t responded. I haven’t shared her emails with any neighbor. There are no dues to the HOA, as there are sufficient monies in the treasury. I have never encountered something like this. Should I do anything else? Should I have done something differently along the way?

Stunned and Offended

Unfortunately, what you’ve done to this point limits what you can do now, unless you’re willing to eat dirt and let yourself back into the group.

I share your disgust with the president, who apparently is another victim of this cultural moment when nickel-and-dime religious bigotry is held up as a brave and principled stand. If nothing else, Madam President also has a stunning ignorance of this thing called New Year’s, which I am quite certain is an early winter holiday that isn’t Christmas. (It’s also hard to imagine an institution less in need of impassioned defenders than Christmas Month.)

However, the neighborhood association, with your energy fueling it, seems to have added more to your community mosaic than this blinkered president ultimately will subtract by banning the H-word in a one-off email she didn’t even write.

So while the temptation to act on principle here is great, it might make more sense to follow the call of pragmatism: Stay in the association, keep nurturing ties to your neighbors, keep bringing your own inclusive sensibilities to bear and trust that effort to outweigh, many times over, her fool’s errand of using newsletter phrasing to protect Christmas from the marauding celebrants of other solstice-rooted events.

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