Carolyn Hax: Advice

Carolyn Hax: Grandma caught abusing grandkids

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: About a month ago I caught my mother being physically and verbally abusive to my kids, whom she had been watching daily while I work from home. After we fought about it, she left my home, and I haven’t seen or talked to her since.

I’m horrified, both by her actions and that it took me a while to catch on. My kids don’t want to see her again.

My mother is apparently waiting for an apology from me for getting mad at her. And I just don’t know what to say. She does not accept blame, or criticism, or questioning anything she says. But my beloved brother is coming to visit next week, so I owe it to him at least to try and talk to her, but what do I say? How do I try and get my mom to understand why I’m upset?

Horrified

Why do you owe this to your brother? Seems to me there’s a break in the logic there.

What just happened to you and your kids, the latter especially, is traumatic, and while your concern for your brother is generous and kind, he’s not your top priority here. The kids are.

Figuring out why it took you so long to see your mom’s abuse, to the point of exposing your kids to it, is also more important than your brother and his visit. You’re responding, classically, by trying to keep the peace, which can be a generous impulse in a healthy family but a self-sabotaging one in a family with an abuser at the helm. Do not negate yourself – not for your brother, not for your mother.

Instead, find the strength to spell out for your mother what behavior you find unacceptable, using specific examples. Explain that if and when you decide to allow her around the children again, visits will be supervised – maybe forever, but for at least as long as it takes her to both admit and demonstrate there are lines she cannot cross.

Because of the serious nature of the problem, and because you aren’t sure of yourself (yet) in handling it, please do all of this under the long-overdue guidance of a competent family therapist.

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