Carolyn Hax: Advice

Gay man says: Enough with the matchmaking!

Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax is on leave. This column originally ran on May 2, 2012.

Dear Carolyn: Is there a polite way to say to well-meaning family and friends, “Please don’t feel like you have to try to set me up with every gay man you know just because I am single”?

I live in an area without a huge gay community, so I’m grateful for occasional set-ups with guys who share my interests; but it feels like sometimes, these matchmakers are using “You’re both gay” as their only criterion.


I could argue your dilemma represents progress, since matchmakers have a long history of using “You’re both single” as their only criterion for setting up friends.

Nevertheless, there’s nothing wrong with voicing your honest concern, pretty much as you’ve said it here.

The surface drudgery of a bad date isn’t the only hazard of thoughtless matchmaking, though: It also holds insult potential when you get paired with your definition of a grasping lowlife or galloping head case. You find yourself asking, “Is this what my friend thinks of me?”

Since getting pushed to this point can leave a residue of hard feelings, and since often the matchmaker actually is not thinking much at all, it’s worth trying to aim your query closer to the heart of the problem. “Sure, I’d be happy to meet (latest setup attempt). My one criterion: Would you feel flattered to be matched with him?”

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