Carolyn Hax: Advice

Honesty — on both sides — might be an issue here

Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax is on leave. This column originally ran on April 2, 2008.

Dear Carolyn: I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He is Asian and I am white. For whatever reason, he still hasn’t told his parents. We argued about it over Christmas, but he said he didn’t want to tell them. After several arguments, we finally set a deadline when he would tell them, but as of today (just two days left) he has not. I have dropped a few hints the last couple of days but have not flat-out reminded him. If the deadline comes and goes and he still hasn’t told them, what should I do?

By the way, they are not totally oblivious to me. I have met them and they are aware that we are friends.

M.

You’ve been together for a year and a half, you have argued about the parent issue openly, and the sum of your insight into his behavior consists of: “for whatever reason … “?

Either he isn’t talking, or you aren’t listening. Or both.

There’s room for speculation about old-world parents and dutiful sons, but that would be the equivalent of letting your cancer run its course while I treat your paper cut.

I see so little honesty here. Obviously there’s his unwillingness to be honest with his parents. Then there’s his failure to be honest with you about his reasons. You, meanwhile, have failed to demand honesty of him in any real or productive way.

I sense you don’t know how. It’s not about lobbing words; “Respect me by X date or else” breeds only resentment or ridicule. Only deeds are effective: No respect, no you.

Instead of establishing consequences without ultimatums, though, you’ve made an ultimatum without consequences. You’re asking what to do next, meaning your threat was empty, meaning you weren’t honest with him.

Most important, you haven’t been honest with yourself. What do you need from this guy, why is it important, why do you think it’s missing, why do you regard him as the best person to provide it, are you being realistic, what are you prepared to do when and if he doesn’t come through?

The relationship you need right now – urgently, it seems – is with your own mind. Please step back from the issue of what he tells his parents, and try to see whether the relationship itself is working. Start with a new definition of “working”: He’s open with you, you’re open with him, each of you likes what you see.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 10 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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