Ask Amy: Transparency best policy regarding friendship

DEAR AMY: My spouse has a former co-worker whom he shared many long morning conversations with before work. As far as I know, that’s all there was to it.

They became “friends” by getting to know each other through these conversations. She’s now at another company, but sends him emails (jokes, stories) and once in a while personal notes to ask how things are going.

I’ve had a problem with all of this, mostly because years ago he was unfaithful to me with a co-worker.

I feel that he has directed his notes from/to her to his work ID so that I won’t be aware — so if it’s innocent why do this?

I think he may say it’s to protect me and it is only innocent friendship.

But if that’s the case why not just state it that way to me?

Once Bitten

DEAR BITTEN: Exactly. Another way for your husband to behave would be for him to respect your understandable sensitivity to his choice to maintain a fairly “secret” relationship with another woman.

Any of us can have friendships with people other than our spouses. But when a partner has been unfaithful, he or she has to work extra hard to win back and then keep the trust. Transparency is necessary. Counseling would also help.

Amy Dickinson via email: