Idaho Statesman Logo

Extrovert, introvert need 2-way street | Idaho Statesman

×
  • E-edition
  • Home
    • Customer Service
    • Mobile & Apps
    • Archives
    • Buy Photos and Pages
    • Contact Us
    • Newsletters
    • Newspaper in Education
    • Subscribe
    • Subscriber Services

    • News
    • Boise
    • West Ada
    • Canyon County
    • Crime
    • State News
    • Nation/World News
    • Databases
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Idahoans in the Military
    • Weather
    • Traffic
    • Helping Works
    • In the Classroom
    • Our Community
    • Sports
    • Boise State Football
    • Boise State Basketball
    • Idaho Vandals
    • High Schools
    • Bronco Beat
    • Chadd Cripe
    • Varsity Extra Blog
    • NFL
    • NBA
    • NHL
    • MLB
    • Golf
    • Idaho Politics
    • Elections
    • Government and Business
    • Capitol & State
    • Letters from the West
    • National Politics
    • Business
    • Business Insider
    • Business Columns & Blogs
    • Personal Finance
    • Legal Notices
    • Opinion
    • Editorials
    • Bill Manny
    • Editorial Cartoons
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Guest Opinion
    • Submit a Letter or Opinion
    • Entertainment
    • Events Calendar
    • Restaurant Reviews
    • Arts and Culture
    • Festivals
    • Movie Reviews
    • Movie Showtimes
    • Music
    • Television
    • Books
    • Comics
    • Puzzles & Games
    • Horoscopes
    • Puzzles
    • Words & Deeds
    • ArtsBeat
    • Outdoors
    • Playing Outdoors Blog
    • Biking
    • Camping
    • Fishing
    • Hiking and Trails
    • Hunting
    • Winter Recreation
    • Living
    • Food & Drink
    • Health & Fitness
    • Home & Garden
    • Treasure
    • Pets
    • Religion
    • Travel
    • Best of Treasure Valley
    • Heart of the Treasure Valley
    • Margaret Lauterbach
    • Tim Woodward
    • Carolyn Hax
  • Obituaries

  • Contests
  • Advertise
  • Classifieds
  • Jobs
  • Cars
  • Homes
  • Place An Ad

  • About Us
  • Mobile & Apps

Living

Extrovert, introvert need 2-way street

By Carolyn Hax - Advice

    ORDER REPRINT →

May 05, 2015 12:00 AM

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I have a mother-in-law like the one in Monday’s column.

She has in the past made me feel smothered.

Over the years I have realized that she is pretty much acting on “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” — that is, she is a huge extrovert, hates being alone, and would love family dropping in to see her, lots of people around, someone throwing a surprise party for her.

Sign Up and Save

Get six months of free digital access to The Idaho Statesman

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

#ReadLocal

Unfortunately, what she doesn’t realize is that I don’t love those things. I am pretty sure she has never realized that I am an introvert and like alone time a LOT (and particularly treasure it now that I am a mom), and also she may possibly not even know that such things as introverts exist. She means well but is utterly exhausting to deal with.

To others dealing with something similar: This behavior may not be a plot to drive you insane. Some people really have a very hard time understanding personality types that are very different from their own.

Anonymous

This is a great point about any two people trying to reconcile different social preferences and energies: If it’s going to work, then you have to know, accept, embrace the reality of different personality types.

Or body types, or gender expressions, or approaches to chores, or seat-reclining preferences, or politics, or religious beliefs, or anything else, if we’re going to go off on a rant: If you’re stuck on One Right Way of Being, then you’re picking the steepest of uphill paths through life.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/

carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Dear Carolyn:

I was wondering if you had any feelings about stepchildren getting some alone time with their original parents. For the past 10 years, I’ve had very little time with my dad on his own, and now he’s moved very far away, so I’ve asked if we could do get-togethers with just us once per year. He doesn’t want to hurt stepmom’s feelings. Thoughts?

Adult Stepchild

I always have thoughts, but they’re not always relevant.

I’m with you here, that sometimes people with an old bond enjoy seeing each other without partners acquired after the fact. This can apply not just with families of origin, but also buddies from childhood, school, military, sleep-away camp, especially anything that involves immersion in a particular experience.

I also think it’s a mistake to bring hurt feelings into it. It’s not that you don’t like or care about 1 / 8person added later 3 / 8; there’s just a different chemistry with others present.

But: This is only relevant if your dad agrees.

You can try spelling out that you like Stepmom just fine, you merely want a little original-family-only immersion. You can make sure you schedule, say, three visits that include Stepmom for every one that doesn’t; you can make the just-family time a smaller part of a group visit; you can even enlist Stepmom as an ally, since she no doubt has been in a similar position herself. (Now, will she admit to that when doing so might go against her own immediate interests? Dunno – depends on her integrity.)

Those are my thoughts. Good luck.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

  Comments  

Videos

It’s okay to be different: The story of Rupert the bear

This boy can’t use his legs, but he can climb walls

View More Video

Trending Stories

Vote now for the Treasure Valley athletes of the week (Feb. 11-16)

February 18, 2019 02:31 PM

5A SIC all-conference girls basketball team: Where did your favorite player land?

February 18, 2019 11:55 AM

4A SIC all-conference girls basketball team revealed. See who made the cut.

February 18, 2019 12:15 PM

Police said he was drunk in a crash that injured 17. He wasn’t. 46 years later, he tells his story.

February 18, 2019 03:03 PM

Idaho could pay $110 million more to educate K-12 students next year. Here’s a breakdown

February 18, 2019 12:23 PM

Read Next

Living with Children: Common parenting mistakes

Family

Living with Children: Common parenting mistakes

By JOHN ROSEMOND Tribune News Service

    ORDER REPRINT →

February 19, 2019 01:00 AM

A journalist recently asked me for the single biggest mistake being made by today's parents. I was tempted to say, "Having children," but stopped myself because even if I'd followed up with "Just kidding!" my bon mot would have gone into print. Oh my gosh! It just did!

KEEP READING

Sign Up and Save

#ReadLocal

Get six months of free digital access to The Idaho Statesman

SUBSCRIBE WITH GOOGLE

MORE LIVING

Family

Ex-etiquette: Father texts daughter too much

February 19, 2019 01:00 AM

Family

Ask Mr. Dad: We all have emotions – men and women just express them differently

February 19, 2019 01:00 AM

Family

Lori Borgman: We said, –I do,– – they said we didn’t

February 19, 2019 01:00 AM

Family

Ana Veciana-Suarez: Politicians scramble to explain bad behavior in old yearbooks, while I reminisce about the resiliency to improve my life

February 19, 2019 01:00 AM

Family

Are teens getting high on social media? The surprising study seeking the pot-Instagram link

February 19, 2019 01:00 AM

Travel

Hermitage Club puts you in center of private ski resort

February 18, 2019 01:00 AM
Take Us With You

Real-time updates and all local stories you want right in the palm of your hand.

Icon for mobile apps

Idaho Statesman App

View Newsletters

Subscriptions
  • Start a Subscription
  • Customer Service
  • eEdition
  • Vacation Hold
  • Pay Your Bill
  • Rewards
Learn More
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Newsletters
  • News in Education
  • Archives
Advertising
  • Information
  • Place a Classified
  • Local Deals
  • Place an Obituary
  • Today's Circulars
Copyright
Privacy Policy
Terms of Service


Back to Story