Be ready, Boise: Kathy Griffin says you were warned

Editor’s note: After this interview was conducted, ABC canceled “Let’s Dance,” a new show Griffin was slated to host.

Comedian Kathy Griffin is late phoning for her interview. So, naturally, her pseudo-neurotic, mile-a-minute personality erupts immediately. “This is a very D-list story for you,” chirps Griffin, whose Bravo Network reality show, “My Life on the D-List,” has made a hit out of her supposed non-celebrity status. (The $100 seats to her Morrison Center show Thursday, Nov. 19, sort of spoil that theory.)

Griffin explains that she thought her “high-powered publicist” was going to dial up the call for her. “I was sitting poolside at my own mansion, thinking that my team of professionals was going to do it. ... So I’m behind, and it’s my fault, and apologize.”

All is forgiven. At least until Griffin potentially offends half of Idaho. Here’s our phone conversation with a few parts excerpted. Like when Griffin kindly told me to go (bleep) myself after I asked how long she could continue to milk this D-list charade:

So what do you expect to happen at this event? I mean, let’s face it: You’re coming to Idaho.

First of all, I have a Boise disclaimer. You have to warn people that there’s going to be a lot of cursing and negativity. You have to tell people to leave their bibles at home, leave their ... kids at home. This is Mommy and Daddy time — or Daddy and Daddy time. I don’t think the people of Boise are prepared for this ...

Is your show pretty much like the difference between seeing Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Home Videos” and seeing him on stage in Vegas? Is that what Kathy Griffin is like? Filthy?

Yes. I’m the white female Redd Foxx. Now I’m dating myself a little bit with that reference.

Yeah, don’t go there. Although newspaper readers are all over 80 now. It’s perfect!

(Laughter) Let’s cut the s**t. Whatever paper you’re writing for is going to be a blog within about 10 days. Get out while the gettin’ is good!

Thanks for that. (Laughter) You have yet another TV show coming out Nov. 23 called “Let’s Dance” —

You mean in addition to my New York Times No. 1 bestseller, my comedy CD, my Bravo special and my double Emmy Award-winning television show —

Which leads right into my next question: Don’t you think you’ve done enough already?

(Laughs) I am a cockroach! Don’t you people get it? I’m not going away! You can step on me, you can spray me with Raid. I will not go away! I’m your nightmare. Just go to sleep. Because the nightmare is about to begin.

Does the host of “Let’s Dance” need to be able to dance herself?

Uh, no. But you know what I think is the best part? Can you believe that ABC is putting me on live television prime time?

After what you’ve done in the past? No.

Exactly. Haven’t I earned their disdain? What more do I have to do to these people?

They’ve gotta have 7-second delay still, right?

They’ve gotta have 7-minute. I mean, really.

There’s going to be a Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime-like incident involving you, isn’t there?

There’s gotta be a wardrobe malfunction, and hopefully, this time, it will be from the waist down.

But, anyway, it is a dance show that I’m hosting, because I could never be a contestant since I have no skills to the point where I can’t even touch my toes.

Well, it’s like Ellen DeGeneres judging “American Idol.”

See, that’s right. I’m a fish out of water story. And I’m the host, and they’re going to have celebrities recreate iconic dances in a comedic way. For example, you might see celebrity X, Y or Z recreating Britney Spears’ “Oops, I Did It Again” or something.

Do these ideas get run by you before you sign on the dotted line?

For me, no, I don’t give a s**t. I just want to work. I couldn’t care less. I mean, I’m sorry, this is an artistic venture. As an artist, I feel passionately about it.

Basically, though, you’ve done nothing for the show yet? It hasn’t been taped. You’re walking in and they’re dancing?

Yeah. You know what I’ve had? I’ve had a fitting. Today. And this is why I’m late calling.

A fit or a fitting?

Oh, please! Print that I had some sort of fit on this phone call. Could you please print that I’m drunk and on cocaine? Because that’s only going to help my career.

I just saw your latest comedy special —

You mean Kathy Griffin “Balls of Steel.”

You wasted no time picking on the dead. (Editor’s note: Michael Jackson)

Yeah. That’s right. That’s what I do. And I made fun of minors. So if you come see me live, be prepared for me to offend every group I can think of. And if I miss offending your group, I apologize.

I was talking to someone the other day about how some comedians are clean on TV but not on stage ...

Have you seen my New Year’s Eve appearance last year, where I accidentally said on camera, “I don’t go to your job and knock the d**ks out of your mouth”?

That’s what I’m saying: Is this clean version/not clean version difficult for you?

Of course it is! It’s called a challenge.

You have sort of a controlled Tourette’s Syndrome.

Yes. I have to try to keep it under control. I’m not sure how. You know what keeps it under control? When your paycheck depends on it. (Laughter) You’d be surprised how quickly I clean up when my paycheck depends on it. And, by the way, conversely, when I go to the Morrison Center for Performing.

Performing Arts, by the way. You are an artist.

You know, I thought it was weird that it said, “Morrison Center for Performing.”

You just need to realize that you are an artist. The acoustics in that room are incredible.

Especially when you have a CD out called “Suckin’ It for the Holidays.”

Michael Deeds: 377-6407