Carolyn Hax: Relationship labors over likely nose job

June 19, 2014 

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Carolyn: I'm 31 and I have wanted a nose job since I was a little girl. My nose isn't big or bent but the tip is a little wide and I want a slight adjustment. My boyfriend of 10 years is against it and said I will look like a different person and regret it.

If it wasn't for him, I would get it done. I now worry that if I'm not happy with the outcome he won't support me. How do I let him know that I'm me regardless of my nose and that his job is to support me?

NOSE JOB?

You don't. It's not your place to shape his opinion to your liking or tell him what his "job" is, any more than it is his place to tell you what you will and won't regret.

You can want support, but you can't make him give it. And he doesn't get to say what you'll regret.

You can only decide which is more important, his support or your nose, and proceed accordingly.

He, meanwhile, can only express his concern about the possible result of the surgery, or worry that he won't like your post-op face.

Meaning, both of you need to stay on your sides of the line here.

Carolyn: My husband of a year and a half has yet to tell one of his female friends he is married. She lives in a different state and they once had a fling in undergrad. She texts him constantly at all hours of the night asking for relationship advice or whatever else. I've asked him why he hasn't told her and he says it would change their dynamic. Is this something I need to be concerned about?

WHAT WOULD IT HURT TO TELL?

Needed to be, a year and a half ago-plus.

Apparently your very own Ward Cleaver hasn't figured out that hiding his marriage from an ex who is in constant contact with him is likely to "change" the far more consequential "dynamic" he has with his "spouse."

Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

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