Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: One of my close friends has taken to jumping on me over all kinds of things - what I eat, how I vote, whether it's "right" for me to have a cleaning lady, you name it. When I get annoyed at the constant attacks, he tells me that real friends are supposed to challenge each other, that everyone else in my life just mindlessly validates me, and that I'm close-minded and unable to handle criticism. (I don't think that's true, although I certainly don't appreciate having it hurled indiscriminately at me like this.)
This guy is smart, interesting, and can be a lot of fun, but every time I see him I come away feeling really insecure that I actually am this flawed person.
Is he right? Is the common wisdom that friends should "challenge" each other?
"To you, real friends challenge each other. To me, life is a constant challenge, and so real friends are the ones who are kind to and accept each other." Discuss.
Or say, "Fine. I'm challenging your notion that it's your place to fix me."
Or, don't discuss or say, and just let this alleged close friend know you're not going to keep serving yourself up to be criticized.
He will likely call this proof you can't handle criticism, but that's fine - just tell him he's right, shrug and spare yourself his company.
As for the doubts this has stirred up, it's useful to revisit occasionally our own idea of what a good person is, and to see if we're living up to that; that's our job, though, not our friends'.
Re: Challenged: I'd say real friends ask and discuss with kindness and tact, and accept that they may make different choices. Or, you know, generally behave like adults with their friends. Obviously my tune changes if there are serious red flags, but a cleaning lady definitely doesn't fall under "flag material" to me.
Right - whereas this friend's behavior does, since he's essentially gaslighting "Challenged." Thanks.
Email email@example.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.