Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I have an old but really close friend who has her own old, really close friend. My friend "Jane" and I met after college; Jane met her friend during college. Jane and I are having a fight about Jane's behavior toward me. She's got a bad temper, and I think is a bit of a bully sometimes.
Meanwhile, Jane's old friend "Mary" and I have been becoming better acquainted lately. We've been starting to communicate and talk outside of Jane's presence. Is it unfair to ask Mary about Jane's behavior? They are much closer - obviously, having known each other for years. But I think it would be interesting to know if Mary sees the same thing in Jane that I do. I'm not asking her to "weigh in" on our current fight, I just want to know if she's had the same experience. Mary is a sweet woman and I believe wouldn't run to Jane to tell her I've been talking to her.
BRINGING DIRT TO OTHER PARTIES
I think it's fine in an "I struggle to understand Jane sometimes, can you help me?" kind of way, but if you're not certain you can keep this out of the muck of Jane-bashing, then don't even try it.
Carolyn: Do you think it's rude for people to ask if you are still breastfeeding? I breastfed my children longer than most (more than a year, less than two). While my family and friends knew I was breastfeeding, it's not something I loudly campaign for, and I prefer to do it discreetly.
Yet, people still feel it's OK to ask if I'm still nursing my 15-month-old. I think it's a question along the lines of asking people when they're going to settle down and get married or when they're going to have kids - that is, none of your darn business.
What's your opinion, Carolyn?
"That's kind of an odd question. Why do you ask?" That way you'll see whether you're getting interest from people who are weighing their own choices, or judging yours.
Or you can solve it after the fact: "Had I known you were just looking to judge me, I wouldn't have answered so politely."
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