Carolyn Hax: Finding love after losing a spouse

The Washington PostMarch 6, 2014 

While I’m away, readers give the advice.

On feeling guilt for dating after a partner’s death: Several years ago, our darling son died suddenly while recovering from cancer surgery. He had been married to the love of his life 2 years and 11 days when he died. The week he died was also the week the child they had lost would have been born.

We were all so shocked and devastated with his loss that much of it is a blur but somehow, at the end of the funeral, this clear thought entered my mind. I held her hands and told her that he loved her so much that he wouldn’t want her to spend her life alone and miserable.

A year after he died, she went to lunch with her uncle and he asked her if she would ever consider dating again. She said she had given it some thought and decided that she would not pursue it herself, but if others wanted to fix her up on a blind date they could … but just once.

Later that week, her uncle went golfing and happened to play with a young man he had never met before. By the 18th hole the young man knew the entire story of this beautiful girl.

The young man is a beautiful person — in fact, he reminds us of our son. My husband and I did NOT attend the wedding … not because we felt any ill will. It was THEIR special time.

If you turn to Love and Light, it will return to you.

C.

On watching a grown child make bad relationship choices: Our son took us down that road and we were frightened for him. I am thankful for the power of parental love and plain talks of consequences. There were no theatrics or screaming, just some tears and lots of standing our ground. It was difficult but powerful and our son responded. He came to see what we saw, that he was being used and isolated from his own family and close friends.

Parents can’t choose spouses or careers for their children, but we do sometimes have some valuable knowledge when it comes to character assessment. We have told our children that when health and safety are at stake, we will speak up on their behalf, even if it is awkward.

A.

Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

Idaho Statesman is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere in the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

Commenting FAQs | Terms of Service