Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: Im in a nearly four-year relationship that, while sometimes tumultuous, I am unlikely to leave. Ive sacrificed a lot for this relationship, including moving into the exurbs the ultimate sacrifice, to me!
Lately weve had some heated debate about changing my name when we get married (not engaged yet, but saving for a wedding). Ive built my career on my name and want to keep it professionally, which he objects to, even though Ive said Ill change it legally and in every other sense except for work. How do I win this battle? I hate acrimony between us, but this one, I think, is just too important.
What have you sacrificed that wasnt too important? Besides where you live, that is. Your whole question is a red flag.
Thats because the way to win this battle in a healthy relationship is to say that its important to you and that changing your name legally is as much of a compromise as youre willing to consider at which point the person who loves you says, Of course all that really matters is that were together. And you dont even have to change your name legally if that would upset you, though I appreciate your willingness to do that for me. No battle, no winning, just two people working together to take care of themselves and each other.
Dear Carolyn: A friend and I were close but drifted apart. We still socialize together within group settings, but we havent spent time together one-on-one in probably three years.
She is getting married soon and I am not invited, though all of our mutual friends are. Recently, I ran into her by chance and I realized I missed being her friend. Now I am wondering if I should tell her that I miss her or if I should accept the non-invitation as her closing the book on our friendship.
Just talk to her. After I ran into you the other day, I realized I missed being your friend. Is what came between us anything I can repair?
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