Carolyn: After a few weeks of really hitting it off with a girl (late-20s, Im mid-30s), our dating came to a sudden halt after she discovered I had a piece of furniture she had bought for her ex-husband (which I promptly got rid of). Further, I had mentioned that the man who sold it to me might have been flirting with me when I bought it. As it turns out, she left him 18 months ago due to her suspicions about his preferences.
I realize the weirdness of the coincidence, and that it stoked up hurtful memories of her (only) relationship. But this was her chance to make new, amazing memories to replace the old bad ones, and it was she who was all over me during our dates.
Ive given her a few weeks of space, but now I want to reach out to her, even just to get to know her better. Shes very inexperienced at dating, rushes through life without allowing herself to really feel things anymore, and states that she is broken in terms of men. So there are a lot of underlying issues, but beneath them I see a gold mine of an amazing woman. How should I approach this?
As a bullet dodged?
If shes a gold mine, then that makes you the miner of her gold, and Im fundamentally uncomfortable with that. People can encourage us, inspire us, bring out our best, teach us by example along with a bunch of these things in the negative but our gifts are our own to mine, or ignore, as we see fit.
Survey people who chose partners on their potential on how that worked out for them.
She is who she is. Broken, numb, lashed by painful memories? It sounds to me as if she sucked you in, but good, by working your levers of attraction Google love bombing and pity.
Combine the two, and heres what youve got: a bad idea in treating any love interest as a project, and a worse idea in mistaking this womans flashy lures for gold.
If Im wrong and shes in fact amazing, then she will identify her own chaos and work hard to get herself well. When shes stronger, and if shes as impressed by you as you were by her, shell know where to find you.
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