Hax: Communicating tips with fiance

The Washington PostDecember 4, 2013 

Hi, Carolyn: Every once in a while, I notice a situation in which my fiance’s preferences or perspectives might be different from mine, and when those come up I like to communicate with him about those preferences and how strong they are to figure out the optimal course of action.

For example, we had planned an evening together, but a close friend wanted to have a short phone call to catch up that night. So I asked my fiance, “So-and-so would like to talk for a little while, but I know we had planned to spend that whole night with each other. Would it be OK to talk with her, or should I try to reschedule that for the future?”

He said that was fine, but later expressed that he didn’t understand why I didn’t just assume he’d rather I spend the time with him, and that in general he’d prefer I sometimes try to anticipate his desires rather than always asking about them. I feel like this kind of communication is an integral part of a healthy relationship, and I’m not really inclined to do less of it and more guessing. What do you think?

COMMUNICATING

I think there are times when I want to apologize to everyone for advising so much talk.

Your fiance is right that there’s merit in treating some things as obvious. You have plans, so you can assume he wants to see you, right?

But there’s more to it than that. By running your conflict by him as you did, you basically assigned the Thursday night decision to him without taking any position of your own. That can seem respectful on its face — a la, “I want your perspective” — but notice that you’re not actually saying, and owning, what you would prefer. You’re just asking him to do that, thereby making his preference the deciding vote: messing up his own plans with a yes or being the bad guy with a no.

And it is a boundary issue, if a subtle one. Communication isn’t just about asking questions and seeking input. It’s also about knowing yourself, making clear and consistent choices and being transparent about them with others. It’s when you make your decisions and he makes his and each trusts the other to say so when plans or dreams or feelings get stepped on.

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