Carolyn Hax: When to move in with boyfriend

Carolyn Hax:

December 2, 2013 

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn: Recently my boyfriend of five months has brought up living together. I’m totally on board, mainly because the couples I know who have made it to the altar (whose relationships I look up to), all recommend doing this before getting married.

My mother, on the other hand, seems to think it’s important to wait at least for an engagement ring before taking that step, or else the guy won’t take you seriously enough.

The last thing I want is for someone not to take my level of commitment seriously, since I do see marriage and kids in the future, but how do you know when you’re ready to move in with someone?


As the squillion questions over the years about infidelity attest, a ring is no guarantee of a commitment taken seriously. In fact, people who hang it all on the ring are training their eyes away from the stuff that does matter.

That said, I don’t think a you!-must!-cohabit! approach is the antidote to that — and certainly not just because some of your best friends shacked up. That, too, can provide misleading results, since you can live together in reasonable harmony, take that as a green light for marriage, get married, and still end up ruing the day you jumped into things.

Here’s what does work: Being patient, being yourself, and seeing where that takes you — ideally after you’ve safely left the hormonal fog of new love. When an attraction is new and exciting — at, oh, five months — it works as a rationalizing agent on all the “little” things you don’t love about each other. Your attraction will tell you these things are too minor to matter, but, in the cold light of your post-pheromonal life together, you will have to live with them at actual size. The biggest favor you can do yourselves and each other is to get good and familiar with each other before you pack so much as a suitcase.

It sounds subtle but, when you’re successful at tuning out other people’s ideas of how you need to live and tuning into your own, then it’s actually pretty obvious.

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