Carolyn Hax: Googling suitor is normal procedure

Carolyn Hax:

November 25, 2013 

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I met this guy in a different city and we had a few great dates.

One night I was casually Googling his name. Very innocently — I swear — I just thought I could see his work projects or something like that. But I came across an article about the trial of his father for murdering his mother. I am absolutely sure it is him.

I feel like I invaded his privacy, and now he doesn’t have a chance to tell me on his own time. But I also feel a little scared. He mentioned very briefly that he had a difficult family that he wasn’t ready to talk to me about yet, but I wasn’t picturing anything close to this.

We are so casual at this point, but I don’t think I want to stop talking to him just because of the sins of his father. How do I bring this up?

WISH I NEVER GOOGLED

No no no, it’s good that you Googled. It’s there, it’s public information, it’s practically reflex for bored Web surfers, and it’s just common sense to use this basic tool on someone new.

Obviously it’s a flawed tool, too, since it treats bogus and bona fide equally.

But this is the world we live in now, and I don’t think any practical adaptation to new things involves constructing your own little bubble and pretending nothing has changed. Instead, adapt by pegging your expectations to reflect reality: know that some information you dredge up will be false, or unwelcome, or premature; know others are Googling you; and know the results might divert the flow of a new relationship.

So, what now? If you had the goods on me, I’d rather you told me upfront. Knowing something this explosive requires a lie of omission to conceal, so I would feel deceived if you feigned ignorance. Also, I expect people to Google, so it’s not a dark confession.

If you decide to tell, then assure him first that you do respect his desire not to discuss his family yet. Then say it never occurred to you that “difficult family” meant news coverage, and you Googled him one bored evening.

Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

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