Carolyn Hax: Possible move may help with new start

November 14, 2013 

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: Yesterday I was offered a good job in the hometown of my girlfriend, whom I planned to marry. Our plan was she would follow me there when she could figure out her own career, and live with me while we planned a wedding.

Then, last night, she told me she wasn’t sure that she was “all in.” Long story short: We broke up.

I’m heartbroken. And I don’t know what the heck to do about this job. I fully expect to be laid off from my own job in the next few months, so I need the job. Plus it’s a good job and I’d be excited to do it. But I don’t know anyone in this new city other than my girlfriend’s family.

There are also financial issues. I’m way underwater on my mortgage and couldn’t sell my house except at a steep loss. I could possibly rent it. I just need some clearheaded, I don’t know, guidance, from the Haxster.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Haxster feels your pain. How big is the girlfriend’s hometown — we talking Mayberry or Manhattan? I think anything big enough for you not to risk running into her every time you go out for a beer is probably big enough for the both o’ ya.

It would also help if you moved not to her town proper, but to one within a comfortable commuting radius around the new workplace.

You’d have to go, though, with the clear understanding — stated to your now-ex — that you would be moving to her town as if you knew no one there, and will not lean on her or her family, and will not entertain hopes of winning her back. This is pure economic necessity.

It’s a setup that’s weird and difficult and will feel more than a little contrived, and will plop you amid reminders of her that will likely make your pain worse before it gets better. But, when you’re looking at layoff and underwater mortgage, the certainty of employment (and renting your house) comes close to trumping all.

If you squint, maybe it will look like a fresh start?

Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.

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