Adapted from recent online discussions.
Dear Carolyn: I recently read The Gift of Fear, and was discussing it online with some other readers. I was really bothered when some people said they felt that Gavin de Becker is a victim-blamer, specifically in saying victims of domestic violence do have a choice of what action to take after being harmed.
I had actually agreed with him on that, and thought it was a freeing way to think that youre never trapped, that youre not stuck as a victim forever. Im not sure if I was agreeing with misogyny by accident, or if I was just being taken in by keyboard justice warriors with nothing better to police. I wanted your opinion, since I know you recommend the book so frequently.
Ive certainly heard (and received) criticism along those lines, but I agree with you that the information de Becker gives is intended to empower people to get out of these bad situations, or ideally prevent them from happening.
To equate that to victim-blaming strikes me as unfair, and also counterproductive. I can see why some people do it; its easy to interpret There are ways out! as having an implied corollary: therefore, if the victim doesnt get out, its the victims fault. But making that leap oversimplifies abuse.
If it were a given that everyone knew and understood what certain danger signs looked like, then none of us would miss them. If we all knew where these exit opportunities were or how to take advantage of them, then everyone would get out and de Becker and his book would have no purpose. Hed just be stating the obvious.
The response to Gift was and still is huge because people in these situations, or heading into them, tend not to recognize the warning signs and tend not to jump on opportunities to get out not because theyre dumb or self-destructive or addicted to drama or whatever else, but for two simple, external reasons: the way were socialized, and the skill of abusers at reeling people in.
Email email@example.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.