Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I have been dating John for the past year. He has been divorced for two years from Heidi, his wife/partner of 30 years. They had no children and she lives a few states away, but they are bestest buddies and were in contact almost daily until I put my foot down.
Many of her calls came in when we were together. I told John how I saw Heidis contact as interference in our relationship. John finally told Heidi not to contact him unless it was divorce-related.
I recently found out they are still in contact.
DONT WANT DRAMA
Drama isnt a bestest-buddy ex-wife. Drama is seeing a bestest-buddy ex-wife as your cue to try to push her out of the scene.
Certainly its just good manners for him to let calls go to voice mail hers or anyones when you two are together.
Certainly, too, friendships with exes vary, and so John and Heidi can be anything from healthy buddies to a co-dependent mess.
But this is not up for debate: He has every right to this friendship. You can point out things that bother you but you cant tell him whom he can or cant care about based on the way you think coupled people are supposed to behave. So, figure out what you are and arent comfortable with. Then talk to him about it; ask him why they havent moved on.
Ill get you started with a cant-live-with item: his yessing you on ending contact and then calling her anyway.
Your advice wasnt what I expected.
What exactly is his right to have? A friendship with his ex-wife? For what purpose? They do not have children or assets together. Apparently they are communicating as if they are still married!
The solution is to know your own priorities and stay or go based on whether his priorities align with yours. The answer is not to impose your priorities on others.
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