Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: My ex-boyfriend and I both agreed upon a no-contact rule when we split so we could heal and move on. The breakup was amicable enough; we split because he was uncertain about his career path and wanted time to figure out what he wants and if he even wanted a life partner. Im 30 and desire a family, and he didnt want to waste my time while he figures those things out.
I think that was a good decision. Ive moved on emotionally and invested in myself in other things running, training for a race, taking foreign language lessons, reconnecting with friends, trying to make new ones, and planning a couple of long weekends visiting new cities.
Now Id really like to try reconnecting with my ex, not necessarily to reconcile though I wouldnt rule it out in the future but just to re-establish contact as friends.
Im not sure how to do it, though. Its been six months since he and I split. People keep telling me that even an innocent text, email or phone call to say, Hey, hows it going, its been a while, thought itd be nice to catch up will inevitably come off looking and sounding desperate. What would you recommend?
If you want to be in touch now, then tell him so. If you want to appear a certain way so as to secure a certain outcome, then think carefully about (1) what you want that outcome to be, (2) why you think appearances are so important to that outcome, and (3) what the point is if you cant just be yourself.
Does it really matter, looking and sounding desperate? There are really only two possible outcomes here yes, hell be interested in staying in touch, or no, he wont be interested. If desperate is what he makes of your genuine interest in him, then thatll just be one (albeit embarrassing) version of no.
Well, one caveat: Another possible outcome is maybe, in which he enjoys the attention of your staying in touch without investing anything himself. If you do get in touch, keep your eyes open and your mind aware that hes the one who wasnt sure he wanted you in his life.
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