Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I do not know why I am so perturbed by my boyfriend’s subscription to Playboy magazine — bought before he met me. We are not young, we’re in our late 50s. He has volunteered to throw away issues that will still be coming. I am happy about that. If he no longer wants the magazine because he has me, then we are in a good place.
But I have a few reservations about what the man’s mindset is, and I do not know how to analyze the situation. I will not badger him, or be controlling. I just want to have confidence that he is not interested sexually in other women. Words of wisdom, please?
ANONYMOUS
Playboy. Almost quaint.
Every sexually interested soul on earth is interested in people besides their mates.
Also, the connection between “wants the magazine” and “he has me” is more imagined than real. It’s not as if people gawk only when they’re between sex partners; it’s a source of pleasure independent of sex. If he’s not compulsive and can do without the mags because you don’t like them, then that’s about as good an offer as he’s in a position to make.
That applies as a larger point, too: The only assurance available to you, or anyone, is that the person you love won’t act on outside sexual interests — and that’s not an assurance you can simply demand of someone or receive through a commitment or a canceled subscription. That assurance is available in one form only: by choosing someone who shares your belief in monogamy, and who has both integrity and impulse control.
Again — you can’t assume blinders go on just because you’re committed to each other.
Also know that, in this particular case, you and he differ on values in a way that can be minor or serious, depending on the intensity of each of your beliefs: He has no problem with sexy images.
People on both sides can probably agree that you have to make peace with the other’s beliefs for this relationship to work, because even if he shreds his girlie mags, he’ll still not think they’re wrong to have around.
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