Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Carolyn: I got engaged two months ago and was at first extremely excited. He and I want the same things in life, have the same morals and priorities, and I just love being with him.

We’ve had our issues stemming from mistakes he’s made in his past that we’ve worked through together. After a very stressful week that ended with a fight (he was taking his frustrations out on me and in front of my mother), I find myself lingering on those past mistakes and am terrified by the word “forever.” When I’m alone, I have doubts and can’t stop thinking, “Oh, God, what am I doing?” But when I’m with him I think, “How can I not marry this wonderful man?”

How much of this doubt is normal and when can I settle on a decision (to marry/not to marry) that I can be sure about?

DOUBT

What were these mistakes, how often does he take his frustrations out on you and, this will sound odd, how charismatic is he? The fact that you want out when you’re alone and want him when you’re with him suggests your brain is telling you no and your emotions are telling you yes. That says you need to ask yourself whether he’s manipulative, you’re impulsive/impressionable, or both.

Is he at his best when you’re juuuust about to leave?

I could be way off, but if I am, then you lose nothing by weighing the possibility that you’re repelled by the reality but sucked in by the charm.

Re: Doubt: How about couples counseling? Always a good investment.

ANONYMOUS

Or premarital workshop, which can be more productive than counseling. Each is only as good as the open-mindedness you bring to it.

Re: Doubt: This sounds totally off to me. Sounds like he cheated and now you consider it a prize that he’s “picked” you for marriage. When your internal voice tells you something, you need to LISTEN.

ANONYMOUS 2

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