It was a cruel, cruel year a year that kept raising our hopes, only to squash them flatter than a dead possum on the interstate.
Example: This year the reality show Jersey Shore, which for six hideous seasons has been a compelling argument in favor of a major Earth-asteroid collision, finally got canceled, and we dared to wonder if maybe, just maybe, we, as a society, were becoming slightly less stupid.
But then, WHAP, we were slapped in our national face by the cold hard frozen mackerel of reality in the form of the hugely popular new reality show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which, in terms of intellectual content, makes Jersey Shore look like Hamlet.
Another example: As the year began, the hottest recording artist was the brilliant singer-songwriter Adele, whose popularity made us think that maybe, just maybe, after years of rewarding overhyped auto-tuned dreck, we were finally developing more sophisticated musical tastes, and then
WHAP, we were assaulted from all sides by the monster megahit video Gangnam Style, in which a Korean man prances around a variety of bizarre Korean settings riding an imaginary Korean horse and shouting a song that, except for the words Eh, sexy lady, is entirely in Korean.
It was that kind of year. Remember back in 2011, when the big sex scandal involved Anthony Weiner, the ferret-like congressperson who committed political suicide by Tweet?
We all thought, Oh well, another Washington politician who wants to regulate everything except his own personal dingdong. At least there are SOME institutions, such as the Secret Service, the CIA and the Army, where males in positions of responsibility can control their
Did anything good come out of 2012? Maybe. Just maybe. Consider: For years now, Washington has been paralyzed by bitterly partisan gridlock, unable and unwilling to act in the face of a looming, potentially disastrous economic crisis. But this year, we, the people, finally did something about it. We went to the polls, and we made our decision. Which is why now, as the year ends, we can look forward to a future in which Washington is.
So, OK, basically we need to forget about 2012 as soon as possible. But just so we can remember exactly what it is we need to forget, lets pour ourselves a stiff drink and take a look back at the train wreck were staggering away from, starting with
in which President Barack Obama, in the State of the Union address, boldly rebuts critics who charge that his economic policies have been a failure by displaying the scalp of Osama bin Laden, which a White House aide carries in a special briefcase.
In the new years first major disaster, the Mediterranean cruise ship Costa Concordia goes way off course, hits a rock and sinks. The captain, Francesco Schettino, is immediately relieved of command and placed in charge of the Italian economy.
The economic news remains bad in
as American motorists struggle to afford ever-higher gasoline prices, prompting a pledge from President Obama to do whatever it takes to bring relief at the pump, including killing Osama bin Laden again. Mitt Romney responds that he, more than any other candidate, understands the consumers pain over this issue, since he owns at least 45 cars.
Tensions between the U.S. and Pakistan mount after eyewitnesses in Waziristan claim that an unmanned U.S. Predator drone robbed a convenience store. Meanwhile, in what international observers see as a red flag, Iran places an ad on Craigslist stating WE PAY CASH FOR NUCLEAR BOMB MATERIALS.
In sports, a little-known athlete named Jeremy Lin scores numerous points in a professional basketball game despite having graduated from Harvard. Instantly, he becomes a bigger international star than all of the Kardashians combined. His image appears everywhere on TV, magazine covers, T-shirts, etc. and for a brief period he is the leading contender for the Republican presidential nomination. Then, suddenly Poof! he vanishes without a trace. Looking back on it, were not 100 percent sure that Jeremy Lin ever really existed.
The shooting death of Trayvon Martin in Florida sets off a passionate, weeks-long national debate among politicians, journalists, pundits, talk-show hosts, activists, celebrities, bloggers, anti-gun groups, pro-gun groups, Al Sharpton and millions of ordinary citizens, not a single one of whom knows what actually happened.
In Europe, the economic crisis continues to worsen as the government of Greece, desperate for revenue, is forced to lease the Parthenon to Hooters. Meanwhile Moodys Investors Service officially downgrades the credit rating of Spain to putrid after an audit reveals that the national treasury consists entirely of Groupons.
In sports, the National Football League imposes stiff penalties on the New Orleans Saints following the shocking revelation that some Saints players might have deliberately committed acts of violence against opposing players for monetary gain, which is of course totally contrary to the spirit of professional football.
The scandals continue in
when the U.S. Secret Service acknowledges that agents sent to Colombia to provide security for President Obama at the Summit of the Americas allegedly engaged in some unauthorized summiting, if you catch our drift. The agents are immediately recalled to the United States and reassigned to former President Clinton.
In domestic business news, Facebook, a company with a business model that nobody really understands, spends $1 billion to buy Instagram, another company with a business model that nobody really understands. Since everybody involved is about 19 years old, Wall Street concludes this must be a good idea.
On a sad note, beloved entertainer Dick Clark passes away, although he will continue to host his popular New Years Eve special.
Speaking of sad, in
Newt Gingrich finally suspends his presidential campaign, despite an emotional plea to keep fighting from his base of supporters, namely Mrs. and Mrs. Elrod Pomfurter of Oklahoma City, who, after months of deliberation, had just invested in a bumper sticker.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, having dealt with all of the citys other concerns disaster preparation, for example turns his attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft drinks. For far too long, these uncontrolled beverages have roamed the city in vicious large-container packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and become obese. Mayor Bloombergs plan would prohibit the sale of soft drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces, thereby making it impossible to consume larger quantities, unless of course somebody bought two containers, but the mayor is confident that nobody except him would ever be smart enough to think of that.
Another major health-related story breaks in
when the U.S. Supreme Court, handing down its much-anticipated ruling on Obamacare, decides by a 5-4 vote that the Affordable Care Act is constitutional. Moments after the decision is announced, the justices discover that, because of a clerical error, the document they have spent the past three months reviewing is actually the transmission-repair manual for a 1997 Hyundai Sonata. By a 9-0 vote, they decide to say nothing more about this.
In the worsening European economic crisis, Greece announces a new bailout plan that hinges on persuading Germany to buy what Prime Minister Lucas Papademos describes as a buttload of Tupperware.
In sports, Major League Baseball fans are treated to an unusual spate of no-hitters, all thrown by Usain Bolt. Roger Goodell announces that the NFL is investigating disturbing allegations that some members of the New Orleans Saints do not sing during the national anthem.
Speaking of disturbing, in
the Mexican presidential election won by Enrique Pena Nieto of the wonderfully named Institutional Revolutionary Party is tainted by allegations of voting fraud after independent observers note that the optical scanners used to count ballots are in fact Sunbeam toasters. Mexican election officials conduct a recount and conclude that Pena Nieto has indeed won the election fair and square, as well as the election that will take place in 2018.
In science news, a group of physicists announce that, after decades of research costing billions of dollars, they believe they have confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson, which, according to them, is an extremely exciting tiny invisible thing next to which all the other bosons pale by comparison. This is breathlessly reported as major news by journalists who majored in English and whose knowledge of science is derived exclusively from making baking-soda volcanoes in third grade. Back in the lab, the physicists enjoy a hearty scientific laugh, then resume the important work of thinking up names for exciting new invisible things they can announce the discovery of.
In London, the Olympics get under way with a spectacular opening ceremony, climaxing in the dramatic lighting of the Olympic torch by an unmanned Predator drone, which also takes out the entire Pakistani team. The only glitch in the ceremony occurs when a streaker runs onto the track and passes out. He is identified by police as Prince Philip, still in Diamond Jubilee mode.
The partying continues in
when Hurricane Isaac fails to dampen the mood in Tampa at the wild and crazy spontaneous wacky funfest that is the Republican National Convention. The Republicans eager to disprove the stereotype that they are the party of old, out-of-touch rich white men give their highest-visibility prime-time TV spot to: Clint Eastwood. Clint wows the delegates by delivering a series of fascinating sentence fragments to a chair that he either does or does not realize has nobody sitting on it. In other convention highlights, the Republicans declare their support for the Middle Class and pass a platform calling on the nation to get the hell off their lawn.
Tensions continue to rise in the Middle East when Iran unveils a new surface-to-surface ballistic missile named Conqueror, which, according to an Iranian spokesman, will be used for agriculture. Elsewhere in the troubled region, an unmanned Predator drone hacks Waziristans Twitter account and posts pictures of itself naked.
In sports, Usain Bolt dominates the London Olympics, picking up gold medals in three sprint events and winning a world record eight seats in the House of Lords. Great Britains team ignites a national celebration of patriotism, winning medals in many events, including rowing, paddling, pedaling, croquet, darts, skiffles, whist, the pudding toss, the 50-meter lawn rake and the mens umbrella furl.
Speaking of celebrating, in
the Democrats gather in Charlotte, N.C., for their convention, during which they declare their near-carnal passion for the Middle Class and celebrate the many major achievements of the Obama administration, including the killing of Osama bin Laden, solar energy, the winning of the War On Terror by killing Osama bin Laden, the Chevy Volt, bold presidential leadership in the form of making the difficult decision to order the killing of Osama bin Laden, wind power, and many, many other major things that the administration has achieved, such as killing Osama bin Laden. The Democrats acknowledge that the economy is not totally 100 percent there yet, but promise to continue moving steadfastly forward with their relentless attacks on the root cause of economic stagnation and continued high unemployment, namely, George W. Bush.
Apple releases the much-anticipated iPhone 5, which receives some criticism for its glitchy map software and the fact that it uses a different connector from all the other iPhones and iPhone accessories. Also, it can neither make nor receive telephone calls. Nevertheless, it is a big hit with Apple fans, who line up to buy it even as they eagerly anticipate the forthcoming iPhone 5s, which, rumor has it, will require 3D glasses.
Speaking of criticism, in
President Obama is widely faulted for his performance in the first presidential debate, during which he appears moody and detached, several times stopping in mid-answer to go outside to smoke a cigarette. The debate moderator, veteran PBS newsman Jim Lehrer, at first seems a bit overwhelmed by the task, but after a few minutes, he falls asleep. This leaves the field wide open for a confident and assertive Mitt Romney, who, in a span of 90 minutes, manages to explain his five-point economic-recovery plan a total of 37 times, running up an indoor record presidential-debate score of 185 points. Romney also demonstrates his understanding of the issues facing ordinary Americans by promising to cut federal funding for Big Bird.
But the months big story is superstorm Sandy, which devastates a large swath of the Northeast despite the courageous efforts of hundreds of TV news reporters standing on the beaches telling people to stay off the beaches. New York City is hit hard, but Mayor Bloomberg responds swiftly, ordering police to arrest anybody suspected of taking advantage of the disaster by consuming soft drinks from containers larger than 16 ounces, which could potentially cause them to become obese.
In entertainment news, The Walt Disney Co. purchases Lucasfilm Ltd. and releases a trailer for the forthcoming Star Wars Episode VII, in which Darth Vader is a talking penguin.
Speaking of surprises, in
after an election cycle in which an estimated $6 billion was spent on races for the presidency and Congress, the American voters who by every account are disgusted with Washington and desperately want change vote to keep everything pretty much the same. President Obama wins all the key battleground states except Florida, where, after a week of ballot-counting delays caused by denture adhesive in the scanners, election officials finally announce that the states 29 electoral votes will be awarded to the Kansas City Chiefs.
A bankruptcy court grants Hostess Brands permission to close its business, posing a serious threat to the nations strategic Twinkie supply. Fortunately, an agreement is worked out under which Twinkies will be produced by a new entity. Unfortunately, that entity is: Iran.
In other disturbing national-security news, David Petraeus, director of the Central Intelligence Agency and former four-star general, is embroiled in scandal for engaging in unauthorized covert action with his official biographer, Paula Broadwell, who, according to the FBI, sent threatening emails to Tampa, Fla., social event planner Jill Kelley concerning both Petraeus and four-star general John Allen, who, while serving as U.S. commander in Afghanistan, found the time to exchange more than 20,000 pages worth of communications with Kelley, which means that either they were emailing a Stephen King novel to each other, or they were planning some kind of social event, if you catch our drift.
Toward the end of the month, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is dispatched on an urgent mission to try to bring peace to one of the worlds most troubled spots: the Moultrie, Ga., Walmart, where mobs of crazed Black Friday shoppers are viciously assaulting each other over discounted cellphones. Clinton soon realizes the futility of her mission and heads for the Middle East, where people are more reasonable.
Speaking of troubled, in
there is much fiscal-cliff drama in Washington as Congress and the White House after months of engaging in cynical posturing and political gamesmanship while putting off hard decisions about a dangerous crisis that everyone knew was coming finally get serious about working together to come up with a way to appear to take decisive action without actually solving anything.
On a more troubling note, NASA scientists announce that their analysis of data transmitted back to Houston by the Curiosity Waco Rover shows conclusively that the Earth is uninhabitable. In a related development, on Dec. 21, exactly as predicted by the Mayan calendar, the entire planet is devastated by an apocalyptic event, but everyone is too busy texting to notice.
As the year finally draws to close, a festive crowd gathers in Times Square for the traditional New Years Eve illuminated ball drop, counting down the seconds and cheering the magical moment when, at the stroke of midnight, the ball is destroyed by an unmanned Predator drone. This seems to be a bad omen. Yet, as 2013 dawns, there is hope that maybe, just maybe, the new year will be better; that this will be the year when we finally break the cycle of perpetual idiocy, the year when, at long last, we find a way to
Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.