Carolyn: A few of my close friends have recently gone through difficult breakups; meanwhile, I’m newly in love after many years of being single. I’m trying to balance grad school, being a good friend, and developing this great new relationship, but a couple of comments from my girlfriends have made it clear I’m not really balancing the last two very well.
One friend recently admitted to being distant because she’s not eager to see/hear about happy couple-y stuff so soon after her own breakup, and another was angry with me for canceling a “date” with her because she assumed I’d canceled to hang out with my boyfriend (not true).
I thought I was doing a decent job balancing these things — until these friends told me otherwise.
How can I figure out where the line is so I don’t cause pain to these friends? I tried asking them what they’d like me to change, but that only yielded assurances that they’re happy for me.
K.
Consider this permission to take them at their word.
You’re not causing them pain, their circumstances are. Merely by being sensitive to this, you fulfill your primary obligation to them as their friend.
Maybe you aren’t balancing well, and your friends’ concerns reflect that, but it seems premature to draw that conclusion from just two incidents.
If it does turn out these two were related parts of a larger mistake you’re making, then you’ll soon find that out without scrutinizing your every move for error.
Carolyn: I have battled a jealous streak my whole life. That said, I am jealous of my husband’s ex-wife because he still gets in touch with her. He admitted he talked to her “just occasionally, maybe once a month.” It is probably just phone calls and/or email, but I can’t understand why he would want to continue talking with her.
She left him wounded from her serial extramarital affairs, and he lost considerable savings to support her career moves. When she stepped into a high-paying career, she left him behind. He knows I don’t like him contacting her. Am I being a control freak?
WEARY OF EX-WIFE
You are expecting your husband to fix your jealousy problem, so, in that sense, yes, your stance on his ex-wife is a controlling one.
I can also argue that it’s illogical on a couple of counts. For one, doesn’t it sound more bizarre for two people who used to spend every day together just to up and stop talking, forever?
Another point of illogic is the idea that your forbidding their contact would somehow cure what ails you. You don’t like that he wants to talk to her? That won’t change if they stop talking (and in fact it might intensify). You don’t like feeling that your marriage is vulnerable to other women? That won’t change if they stop talking.
Since you’ve had a “whole-life” jealous streak, please see the irrelevance of the ex — and of your husband — to your feelings of possessiveness and insecurity. They’re systemic, and all the relevant information is inside you. I don’t like proposing therapy as an only answer, but it seems like it’s time to call up competent reinforcements in this recurring fight with yourself.
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