Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I’m in my first relationship where I have to do most of the pursuing, and I don’t like it (though I thought it would be a welcome change from being pursued).
Where does one draw the line between showing interest and being a pest? I find that I do at least 75 percent of the reaching out, which my boyfriend seems fine with, but part of me feels like if he really liked me, he’d be reciprocating in kind!
D.C. METRO AREA
This one just works by feel. When you have the sense that you’re putting in all/most of the effort, and you don’t like it, then put in less effort and see how that goes — as a means to discover what works, not to test him or manipulate him by pretending to be unavailable.
The relationships that work tend to find an equilibrium fairly quickly after the get-to-know-you pursuit stage. If yours hasn’t shifted, that’s not necessarily the end, but it should be the end of the status quo.
Sometimes the path to a likable option goes through a bunch of unlikable ones. Until there’s some way to make other people want to be with us (there isn’t, nor should be), that’s not going to change.
Carolyn: I no longer wish to be friends with a woman I know. We used to be very close, but, due to life changes on both fronts, we’ve drifted apart. Should I (a) send her a note letting her know and wishing her well, or (b) let it naturally drift (the way it’s going)?
I feel like I “owe” her an explanation or a goodbye at least, but am not sure I wouldn’t provoke some judgment response.
PARTING WAYS
You owe her, why — because she has been asking? Because you have a cherished history of honesty with each other? Because that’s what you’d want?
Since your intent was to end the friendship anyway, you could respond to her response with, “I can’t change what you think of me, but I can choose to go my own way.” If you’ve done some drifting already, and she has answered with drifting of her own, then let go and let drift.
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