Carolyn: My nephew has a girlfriend I adore. He’s a great guy, too. They just got engaged.

Recently, she confided to me a lot of worries she has about the marriage. She told quite a few stories that make him sound like a control freak. I know she already has made sacrifices — career choice, location — in order to support his choices, and I’ve not seen similar sacrifices on his part.

After she shares her worries, she sighs and says she’s “stuck with him.”

I know people have to make their own mistakes; I know my worries also may be groundless. But I am worried. When I hear things that alarm me, I say, “Is that OK with you?” That’s when she says she’s stuck with him.

PREVENTING MARRIAGE MISTAKE?

And that’s when you say, “No, you’re not. I love my nephew and I think you’re wonderful, but you’re a grown woman, free to do what you think is right for you.”

She needs to hear this from someone who believes it and, even more powerful, comes from his “camp.”

Carolyn: I got married last year and am midway through my first pregnancy. Both of these blessed events have hit my sister “Kate” pretty hard. Kate is 37 and discouraged by not having found The One yet; she is starting to make comments about how worried she is that she will never have children.

I am 34 and met my husband online. I’ve encouraged Kate to try online and other non-obvious forms of dating; she rejects every one because she believes dating should be organic.

I see where she’s coming from, but she’s closing countless opportunities. I don’t know how to help anymore. What do you think?

MARYLAND

As you’ve pointed out, your sister wants certain things a certain way — and that’s always a gamble in life, but particularly in mate-selection, since 50 percent of the control is in someone else’s hands.

That also suggests your two reflexive answers — “Poor you” and “Date online or stop complaining” — are off-target. Get out of the conceptual rut that a good life looks one way and a disappointing one looks another.

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