Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I’m in a committed relationship. We’re on the path to marriage.
The problem is his parents: They don’t like me — at all. They’re also highly critical of everything. He tells me they’ve had issues with everyone he’s ever brought home.
I don’t need validation from his parents. I also know my boyfriend cares about me deeply and wants a future with me, though I do get worried when he says our future could be in jeopardy if I can’t get along with his parents.
I want to figure out ways to cope with the situation since I’m facing years of alienating his family just for being me. My boyfriend’s strategy with his parents is to answer their every beck and call no matter how outrageous.
SHUNNED BY THE IN-LAWS-TO-BE
No, the problem is your boyfriend. He “answers their every beck and call”? “Our future could be in jeopardy if I can’t get along with his parents” — who he admits object to everyone?
I’m going to say this relationship is DOA. Until he’s adult enough to tell controlling parents where to stick it, and tell his beloved that he, and no one else, chooses where his loyalties lie, then he’s no good to anyone.
And, until you can recognize that his ultimatum about his parents is the last thing a lover says to you before you say, “Bye, it’s been swell, call me when you grow up,” you’re not yet strong enough for a life partnership, either.
Carolyn: My 15-year-old little brother called me this morning, really upset. His longtime best friend (a guy) got drunk for the first time and, emboldened by alcohol, called my brother and told him he’s in love with him. My brother was totally caught off-guard. Now he’s unsure what to do — he doesn’t want to lose his best friend, but he doesn’t feel the same way. Any big-sister advice I could pass on?
ADOLESCENT CRUSHES
Oh gosh this is painful, for both of them. Advise him by asking how he would want to be treated if he had made himself that vulnerable to this friend. That presumably will direct your brother to be honest, kind and forgiving, and not run away.
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