Carolyn: I have been in a relationship with a guy (I’m 43 and he’s 39) for five years now, and he has never told me he loves me.

About two years ago or so, I asked him if he loved me, and his answer was along the lines of “What does love mean?” I almost lost it. I was like, “What do you mean, ‘What does love mean?’ ”

I went into the reasons I loved him, and he still couldn’t tell me he loved me.

I know he has been in love before. He told me he was in love with his past two girlfriends. I feel like a fool that I have stuck around for two more years hoping to finally hear those words.

He was badly hurt in his last relationship (she cheated on him) so there are major trust issues that we have had to endure over the past five years. I keep thinking that is why he can’t tell me he loves me. Maybe it is just time for me to move on? Is this normal?

ANONYMOUS

I think it’s possible to drive yourself mad trying to figure out what “should” happen, what’s “normal,” and possible reasons you have X vs. Y, when really the only relevant question is: Am I happy in this relationship as-is, or am I waiting for something to change?

If it’s the former, yay, you can relieve yourself of the burden of Figuring It All Out.

If it’s the latter, and if you’ve clearly spelled out for him what you’re waiting for, and if you have gone a decent stretch of time without seeing any effort or progress toward the thing you’re waiting for, then it’s time to admit to yourself it’s not coming anytime soon.

Then you need to ask yourself — and don’t rationalize: “Can I be happy in this relationship without it?” If no, then it’s time to go.

Re: “He was badly hurt”: Of all the times I’ve ever read this excuse, it has hardly ever been true. Why can’t people just be more honest? “I don’t feel it.” “I wish I cared for you that way, but I don’t.” What’s so difficult about this?

ANONYMOUS 2

Also, for the sake of argument, let’s say that occasionally it does turn out to be true: If you’re still that emotionally injured by a past relationship, then what are you doing in another relationship?

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