Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I did the unthinkable, I read text messages on my boyfriend’s phone — I know it was wrong, but I did it and now I’m living with the consequences.
He had inappropriate texts with another woman. I confronted him, he explained that for this and that reason, she is off-limits.
So I find myself asking, if she’s off-limits, what are the “Let’s hang out” and “Hey babe” and other texts for? It’s impossible for me to know if they are actually hanging out or fooling around or doing nothing. Am I missing the forest for the trees?
ANONYMOUS
Apparently, since he’s all but saying that if she were within limits, he’d be with her.
Plus, you “did the unthinkable” not because you were possessed by a demon or innocently mistook his cellphone for your copy of “War and Peace.” Nope — you knew you didn’t have his attention, which created the temptation you failed to resist.
But that knowledge was actually a solid reason not to look. That his attention was elsewhere was all you needed to know, and snooping was both wrong and moot.
But now that you have the ill-gotten proof, you might as well heed what it proves.
Carolyn: I’ve fallen hard for a guy at work. I think he might be interested in me. The rub, of course, is that he is married and has kids. Even though he seems unhappy with his wife, I don’t think I could do anything that would influence him to leave her. Is there any way to bow out gracefully?
UNSURE IN NYC
He “seems unhappy with his wife,” sure, but presumably he was once as happy with her as he now appears to be in you. Don’t compartmentalize her away; it’s too easy from a more complicated truth about long relationships.
You are new and exciting for each other, and who doesn’t love that? That’s another don’t: Don’t glorify what you have. It’s just a cold drink for two thirsty people. That’s what a sparky connection can feel like after a boring spell, and, yes, it’s tempting. All of which is to say, find the will and stop the flirting.
Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.
