Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I have three sets of parents, two mine and one my husband’s. Only my husband’s family has money, and this is a source of tension with my family.
My mother-in-law really wants to take us to Europe, not once, but twice this year. I feel like I keep telling her “no” because of work or because it’s the other family’s turn for Christmas or whatever, but this year there is no convenient way to get her to scale down.
How in the world can I strike a balance between all of my families when one set seems to hold all the cards?
BALANCING FAMILIES
The way you frame this, there’s no “you.” The entities making all the decisions are the parents, your workplace and holidays.
What do YOU want? If you want to go to Europe twice, then go to Europe twice, and find some way to show your love for your other parents. If you’d rather not go twice, then say no to one or both trips. “I am so grateful for the opportunity, but going (twice) would mean I don’t see my parents at all this year.”
Carolyn: “The entities making all the decisions are the parents, your workplace and holidays”: This is exactly how it works. My husband and I haven’t gotten to go on a vacation alone since our honeymoon over three years ago. And we do make decisions together, but since I am better with communication, I am the one on the phone to his mother trying to explain why we can’t do such-and-such a trip.
I guess my question needed to emphasize how to deal with the jealousy created by the money. Even though it’s my in-laws’ year for Christmas, I know my families will see us going on a trip and make an assumption that we would have hated spending Christmas with them, at home (not at all true).
BALANCING FAMILIES, AGAIN
You are not responsible for your parents’ feelings, or your mother-in-law’s. If the trip is not right for you, then don’t go; she’ll manage. If it is, go; your family will manage.
You are responsible for your schedule. You say you “haven’t gotten to go on a vacation alone,” but you’ve chosen not to.
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