Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: The other night my boyfriend was getting work-related text messages from a female co-worker, which was fine and understandable. However, when she sent a text at 12:30 a.m., I felt she was crossing a line. I got mad at my boyfriend for allowing her to text so late at night.
He said it was nothing like that but told her to please stop texting and she did. Now I feel like I am a controlling abuser. How can a person tell the difference between extreme jealousy and “normal” jealousy? For what it’s worth, I have been cheated on before by my ex-husband.
JEALOUS
“I got mad at my boyfriend for allowing her to text” — her actions are his fault? How does one “allow” someone to text at a given time?
There’s nothing wrong with acting on an alarm that something isn’t right — and that’s what jealousy is in an emotionally healthy person, an alarm.
But when your alarm is so sensitive that even benign things set it off; when you’re forbidding partners from doing things you don’t deny yourself; and when you’re dictating how others can and can’t live their lives, then you’ve got unhealthy jealousy.
A person who doesn’t have impulses to cheat won’t cheat, nor will someone who has them but chooses not to act on them. And all these cheaters and non-cheaters have one important thing in common: They all have contact with temptation. You can’t prevent cheating by keeping people on a leash.
Here’s what you can do:
• Live with integrity yourself, and choose partners who do the same. • Be realistic. No one does, or even can, behave perfectly; people who are more forgiving of human frailty seem to be the victims of it less than those who are rigid or intolerant.
• Be respectful of your internal alarms that something’s wrong — and be pro-active in dealing with an alarm that’s too touchy by getting into therapy. If you’ve been burned to the point of “trust issues,” it’s your job to deal with that; it’s not your next partner’s job to follow your rules to avoid upsetting you.
Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.
