Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: My hubby fell in love and pursued a two-year, long-distance affair with a high school acquaintance he met at a reunion. He says it ended two years ago. Once she realized he’d never leave me and the kids for her, she abruptly went off and married someone else.
During the past year, we’ve been trying to reconnect as a couple. Meanwhile, he and she have kept up “friendly” contact through the high school forum. Recently he sent her first a romantic poem, then a short “How are you?” email where he calls her “my love.” It’s clear he’s not over her.
I’ve confronted him, and he admits as much. He says he loves me but there’s a part of him that will always resonate with her. For her part, although once in a while she’ll contact him privately for some favors, she doesn’t seem to pine for him in the same way.
HUBBY STILL PINING FOR MISTRESS
You can’t know whether he’ll carry this torch for the rest of his life, of course — but you do know that he has shown no interest in snuffing it.
Unfortunately, that puts you in the awful position of deciding between splitting up your family, or staying with someone whose heart and mind are at least partially somewhere else, and who seems oddly OK with hurting you, and who apparently is still hiding things from you unless and until you call him on them.
While this will sound the opposite of encouraging, I actually think you have a useful course of action available to you: surrender.
Out of kindness to yourself, I suggest you say to yourself — out loud, even, if it helps — that “This is how it is — he will not stop thinking about her.”
And then, based on that, decide where your most satisfying life awaits you.
There’s nothing to say he won’t drop this pointless other love and re-embrace you — time has a way of making unexpected changes — but for your own peace of mind, treat that not as a goal in itself, but as a possible bonus you receive as you travel the realistic path of taking or leaving your husband, as-is.
Email tellme@washpost.com. Chat online at 10 a.m. Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.
Re: “A possible bonus”: Funny thing, life. An actual turn-around on his part later may well end up feeling more like a burden than a bonus.
ANONYMOUS
True. Sometimes I think the mere act of waiting for what you think you want changes what you actually need. Thanks.
