Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: My hubby fell in love and pursued a two-year, long-distance affair with a high school acquaintance he met at a reunion. He says it ended two years ago. Once she realized hed never leave me and the kids for her, she abruptly went off and married someone else.
During the past year, weve been trying to reconnect as a couple. Meanwhile, he and she have kept up friendly contact through the high school forum. Recently he sent her first a romantic poem, then a short How are you? email where he calls her my love. Its clear hes not over her.
Ive confronted him, and he admits as much. He says he loves me but theres a part of him that will always resonate with her. For her part, although once in a while shell contact him privately for some favors, she doesnt seem to pine for him in the same way.
HUBBY STILL PINING FOR MISTRESS
You cant know whether hell carry this torch for the rest of his life, of course but you do know that he has shown no interest in snuffing it.
Unfortunately, that puts you in the awful position of deciding between splitting up your family, or staying with someone whose heart and mind are at least partially somewhere else, and who seems oddly OK with hurting you, and who apparently is still hiding things from you unless and until you call him on them.
While this will sound the opposite of encouraging, I actually think you have a useful course of action available to you: surrender.
Out of kindness to yourself, I suggest you say to yourself out loud, even, if it helps that This is how it is he will not stop thinking about her.
And then, based on that, decide where your most satisfying life awaits you.
Theres nothing to say he wont drop this pointless other love and re-embrace you time has a way of making unexpected changes but for your own peace of mind, treat that not as a goal in itself, but as a possible bonus you receive as you travel the realistic path of taking or leaving your husband, as-is.
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Re: A possible bonus: Funny thing, life. An actual turn-around on his part later may well end up feeling more like a burden than a bonus.
True. Sometimes I think the mere act of waiting for what you think you want changes what you actually need. Thanks.