Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Carolyn: My wife and I married young, and lately I’ve been wondering how we can ever be sure about each other without having had other experiences. I guess this is a cautionary tale about early marriage. We knew each other well at the time and, as we’ve gotten older, have continued to grow together, not apart. I love her as a person and partner. She is my best friend.

But, I don’t know if I feel the same way romantically. I also don’t know if this is just because I didn’t experience enough other people before we got married, leading me to wonder what else could have been. Or am I unfairly comparing ours to what I imagine other relationships to be? Does passion just cool the longer we’re together? Is that normal, and do I just have unrealistic expectations? Would I be giving up something great (a life with this woman I love and respect) just to see what it’s like out there?

MARRIED AND WONDERING

I can only take your word for it that you’ve grown together and you still love her. If indeed that describes life with your wife, though, then you’ve got something enviable.

Now, “enviable” doesn’t mean much if you don’t want it yourself; what other people want is irrelevant. However, the image of the lifelong, passionate romance is largely unrealistic. The only reason I won’t say it’s completely unrealistic is that the occasional couple do appear to look at each other “that way” decades into their journey.

But even then, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and no one knows what prices have been paid to get to that point.

All I can do is give you thinking points:

(1) No one’s immune to what you’re feeling, not even those who wait.

(2) Chances are, upon closer inspection, the lives of others will persuade you that your life is the only one you want.

(3) A reliable remedy for the “what-ifs” that won’t risk harm to your best friend: Keep your life interesting and exciting in other ways.

(4) Passion isn’t just there or not there; it can be nurtured through attention.

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