Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I feel that my friend, who is my roommate, has not been sympathetic with me lately.
It seems like when I say something, she automatically asks me if I did X to remedy the situation — and if I say I haven’t, I get, “Well, why not?” Usually, when she tells me about a problem, I am sympathetic.
I know it is her nature to be more rational than emotional, while I’m the opposite, but sometimes she comes off as uncaring.
Should I worry about this? Should I just make note of it and realize it’s her personality to see things more rationally and to want to fix them instead of how I normally react, which is giving more sympathy? Should I even talk to her about it?
GREAT FRIENDS, NEW ROOMMATES
“Should I worry?”: No. “Should I just make note of it and realize it’s her personality to see things more rationally … instead of how I normally react, which is giving more sympathy?”: Yes. “Should I even talk to her about it?”: No…Unless: your effort to appreciate her as-is doesn’t work.
In that case, I suggest saying something along the lines of, “I hear that you’re trying to help me, and I appreciate that, but sometimes I’m not looking for solutions so much as a ‘Gee that (stinks).’ ” Spell out what you need.
While you’re there, ask her whether you’re giving her sympathy when what she really wants from you is some help fixing things.
Carolyn: Generally speaking, would you agree that two kids are more difficult than one? I have a sibling who is always claiming to be too busy to help with family business — she has one child and I have two, yet I find time to do what’s asked of me.
She swears that being a parent to a single child is just as difficult as having multiple children, which I find ridiculous.
ONE OR MORE?
I think getting into a whizzing contest on this is a loser, because there’s no possible outcome but hard feelings. It’s not a game show.
Ask for a one-for-one match in investment, regardless of brood size. That’s arguably the only fair way to go.
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