Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks last year and my husband took it very hard. He told me he didn’t want to know if I got pregnant again until the second trimester. I have found out that I am expecting again. I want to respect his feelings, but I also don’t want him to regret not seeing those first milestones … heartbeat, etc. There is also the selfish part of me who wants a hand to hold in case something goes wrong again.
TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL
Way to “parent up,” Dad.
The better time to talk to him about this, in depth, was before you got pregnant again. It’s not “the selfish part of you” that’s telling you you’re in this together. You ARE in this together, co-parents, a team in biological, emotional, financial and logistical senses. It’s not right, fair or mature of him to delegate unilaterally a huge chunk of the emotional hard work to you.
While a miscarriage is a painful loss, it’s not as if carrying a pregnancy into the second trimester will magically erase all possibility of any other pain. And since he’ll have to suck it up at some point, he might as well start now.
You can have this whole conversation before telling him you’re pregnant, but unless he’s willing himself into cluelessness he’s probably going to guess. So, consider leading with the why and getting quickly to the what. And if he fights you on the idea of emotional accountability and/or gets angry at you for telling, then it’s time for a professional referee — either marriage counseling or a marital workshop.
Re: Tell or Not: What if they were in an accident or something, and medics had to know? And if she does miscarry, and has to go for an extraction, is she supposed to schedule that, drive herself there and back, and deal with the ramifications of that alone? What a punk. Didn’t he take “in sickness and in health” vows?
ANONYMOUS
No, he skipped them because they’re upsetting. An accident is a low-percentage possibility, but her wanting to express her emotions about a pregnancy — lost or successful — is about 100 percent. That he would prioritize his feelings and deny her the freedom to show hers is a problem they can’t responsibly ignore.
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