Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Carolyn: What do you do when you’re dating someone who wants to spend a great deal more time with you than you yet feel ready to give?

I feel like an inadequate girlfriend to this wonderful man I’ve been seeing for a few months, and am afraid I will lose him. We have talked about it a lot and we just seem to be on different tracks — he’s on the fast track toward full-time coupledom, I’m on the slow track.

I went through the divorce from hell over the past couple of years, and I feel like that experience has clouded my ability to give him everything he really needs now. Help.

BAD GIRLFRIEND

Wait a minute — why is this all about what he needs? Why his moping and pushing? Why isn’t this equally about what you need, which is clearly a slower pace, more patience, more room to breathe?

Everyone deserves this, but you’ve emerged from the divorce from hell — there’s added urgency for you to save your trust and affection for people who show respect for who you are. You’ve let this guy know you need to slow things down, and what is he giving you? Zero respect, with a “not happy” cherry on top.

Please take a very hard look at this person.

Re: More/less standoff: If “I need less” wins, “I need more” is free to move on to find someone whose time and space needs are more compatible, right? “Bad Girlfriend” says she doesn’t want to lose him and she’s not happy that she’s not in a place to give him more. Isn’t it equally disrespectful to put him in the situation of waiting until she will want more?

ANONYMOUS

No. She hasn’t “put him” in any situation. She has merely said no to his request for more of her time and more of a commitment. He’s the one who responded to that ”no’ ” by waiting — and nagging — for more.

If he doesn’t want to wait, then he’s free to go. It’s the pressuring for something that hasn’t been freely granted that’s the problem. Unless you want to be miserable, in which case pressure is a good way to get there.

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