Carolyn: I have a bit of an open-ended question. When I’m unhappy, I tend to want to change everything — job, relationships, etc. — at once. It’s hard for me to decipher where I’m unhappy and what the best ways are to change things, rather than blow up my whole life. Are there ways to start to unpack all of this?

TIME TO LEAVE?

When you have the urge to blow up everything, the most prominent common denominator is you, right? So, the question waiting for an answer is, why don’t you feel like you’re living the right life for you?

Big stuff. That’s why, absent an epiphany, the best place to start is with small steps toward getting healthy. Are you getting enough sleep, being conscientious about any health issues, eating well, making an effort not to be sedentary?

If you’re maintaining your physical health, then move on to your emotional health: Are you putting effort into the people who are good for you, and distancing yourself from takers, criticizers, enablers or those who otherwise bring out your worst? Are you saying “yes” when you should, and “no” when you should?

If your physical and emotional habits are solid, move on to temporary rut-busting: vacation. Or a weekend road trip, or just lunch with a friend you haven’t seen lately. Give your eyes a new place to rest. Familiarity can limit your thinking.

If you have an antibiotic-resistant strain of the blahs, it’s time to weigh the big, external pieces of your life, like where you live, what you do for a living, whom you befriend, date and trust.

Should you get this far without relief, you’ll still have information toward understanding why demolition is your first impulse when you’re unhappy. After all, the blow-up solution pretty much ensures that you can avoid facing that thing, whatever it is, you so badly want to avoid — whereas a methodical approach, honestly executed, will take you right to its door.

Carolyn: My fiance is European, I am from the United States, and after our fall wedding we will be living in a different country altogether.

Our wedding guests would like to know if we are registered anywhere for gifts. Since where we live next depends on where both of us get our next jobs, we can only specify two continents with any certainty. That is why I would like people to make a donation to our relocation fund.

My fiance says he feels uncomfortable asking for money, but I feel like that would be the best use of our friends’ and family’s generosity. Is it ever OK to just ask for money?

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

If the mythic quest for the polite shakedown ever has a happy conclusion, then I’ll be sure to publish an update in this space. In the meantime, those who have no use for what others purchase for them, for whatever reason, will have to make use of the options that good manners always permit.

Since you need to provide some kind of answer to gift inquiries, you have a practical option: “Thanks so much for asking — we didn’t register, because we’ve got an international move (or several) coming soon.” In this case, saying “4” may be rude, but saying “2 + 2” is perfectly appropriate.

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