Adapted from a recent online discussion, and continued from Monday.

Carolyn: I have a horrible view of men’s attitudes toward women after having three-plus boyfriends who lied, manipulated and criticized me. My lack of trust in my new boyfriend and lack of self-esteem are the only problems he and I have in our relationship.

Sometimes I get paranoid and voice my insecurities, and he feels hurt that I think he’s going to suddenly start lying to me or start criticizing my body like the others. He is incredibly patient with me. I’ve been seeing a counselor at school, and I’m going to continue.

TRAUMATIZED, AGAIN

I’m glad to hear you’re taking concrete steps toward dealing with this.

One flag: When you get “paranoid and voice my insecurities,” he actually doesn’t respond with incredible patience. He responds by taking it personally. And when he gets defensive, that forces you to shift your focus from expressing and addressing your own feelings to soothing his. By putting you to work that way, he also — possibly without realizing it — subtly deters you from telling that kind of truth about yourself again.

He might well be a wonderful person, just an immature one; certainly it takes a lot of emotional strength to recognize that the doubts of a traumatized loved one aren’t personal.

But it is fair for you to ask him for that strength, by saying explicitly, “This is baggage I brought to this relationship from old ones. I’m working hard to deal with it, and not take it out on you. When I do slip, please at least consider that I’m not accusing you, I’m accusing the ghosts.”

This isn’t to say your ghosts have a lifetime membership in your relationship. If you find your distrust persists, then please seriously consider tending to your emotional health without a boyfriend in tow.

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