Carolyn: My father-in-law died seven years ago yesterday. My mother-in-law called my husband first thing this morning, upset because she had not heard from him. I suspect no one did. My husband said he didn’t even realize yesterday was the day, and if he did, he would have been hesitant to call for fear of upsetting her.
In our defense, neither of us is the type to commemorate a family member’s death. They are far from forgotten, but personally I would prefer to remember the good days — not the saddest day! I feel she has made little effort to move forward after his death.
E.
I realize you object to guilt-tripping, rightly. But sometimes the issue isn’t whether you’re right, it’s whether there’s any value in being right. Plus, which day you prefer to remember is of zero relevance to someone else’s grief.
His mom cares about this anniversary, so your husband can program his calendar, painlessly, to remind him to call Mom. Problem solved.
Carolyn: Sometimes when I run into someone I haven’t seen for a while, their first comment will be something like, “Wow, you look great; I never would have recognized you!”
If I had recently drastically changed my hair, gained or lost significant weight, etc., this would be understandable; as it is, however, I’m getting the sense that it’s their way of telling me, “You’re normally so ugly I can’t stand to look at you, but for some reason today I can look at you without losing my lunch!”
What’s the best way to respond the next time this sort of thing happens?
UGLY(?) DUCKLING
The best way to respond is, “Thank you.”
I realize this doesn’t scratch your itch to tell people off for their poor phrasing, nor does it solve the twin mysteries of how you used to look and why you now look so different.
However, everyone gets the occasional compli-slam, some of which will be purposeful — but there is no polite way to make people pay for complimenting you, no matter how deeply you question their motives.
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