Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Carolyn: Any advice on how to deal with a mother who is smothering me with love? I’m married, have a family, my wife and I work and have our own income. Yet Mom insists upon family vacations, family dinners, family everything. And she always makes reservations and nonrefundable deposits first, then invites us second, with that little (or big) bit of guilt thrown in. How to say: Let me live my own life and meet you on my own terms?
KILLING ME WITH KINDNESS
1. Spell out what you’re willing to do, with compliments and kind statements mixed in. “We all love the family vacations you organize. Given our obligations and limited vacation time, we can only go on one a year/every other year from now on.” Your phrase is nice, too, so throw that in, except “meet you halfway” might sound more like two adults meeting as equals than “on my own terms.”
2. When she then books a vacation without asking you first:
He: “I’m sorry, Mom, but I made it clear; since we went to Cancun this year, we can’t make another family vacation until next year/2013.”
She: “But I put down nonrefundable deposits!” (and other guilt-bombs).
You: “I hate to see you waste your money, so please check with me first next time.”
She: (More guilt.)
You: We have other commitments, Mom, as I told you. I’m afraid I’m not budging.”
Then you need to deflect further discussion by saying there’s nothing more to discuss and changing the subject. If/when she wails that you don’t love her, don’t care, put the in-laws first, then say: “I’m sorry to hear you think that.” And that’s it.
Same applies to other invitations. Accept the number that feels right to you, decline the others, and gently, kindly, firmly become an immovable object who will not get into renegotiations. It will be stressful at first, since you’ve trained her to recognize “no” as negotiable and badgering as her path to “yes.” You must retraining her to recognize your boundaries.
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